It's late, at least by my standards, but it's another one of those nights that I can't sleep. My alarm is set to go off at 4am again so I can get up and go run. I've got a friendly 4 mile race in the morning clear across the valley that starts at 6:30am. I am wondering why it is that I signed up to run it, and for that matter why is it that every morning that I don't work I seem to wake up at 4am to run. I guess I am questioning why it is that I am so determined to run. Why don't I stop and just sleep in? Why don't I give up on this obsession to run around, what has got a hold of me? Why don't I just sit on my couch and watch the world pass me by?
I can't answer those questions, at least not tonight. Too many other things are running through my mind, too many thoughts haunt me.
Just the other day after a run I took my shoes and socks off and was briefly rubbing my feet when I once again felt a scar that I have had on the bottom of my foot since I was a child. When I was young I was jumping on the outside garbage can to smash the garbage down and fit one more bag of trash in. Of course as a kid I was doing this with no shoes on and I cut the bottom of my foot on some glass. The pain didn't last long but the scar is still there.
It's not the only scar that I have, as a baby I once got severely burnt on my lower back and leg. I don't remember the incident at all or the pain that came with it. But the scar has been there for as long as I can remember.
They say that time heals all wounds and maybe it does but I suppose those scars will always be there. As I was laying in the dark of my room, with the thoughts and memories of the past, I realized that time hasn't yet healed all my wounds. I also realized that no matter how long that process takes, I will carry those scars with me forever. So just as this isn't my first sleepless night, it sure won't be my last. And just as I wonder why the heck it is that I feel this need or desire to run, there is something inside of me pushing me to keep moving forward even when I don't see the point. Sometimes I feel like I would be better off sitting down and watching life pass me by, I don't know what it is I hope to accomplish by pushing myself forward.
A couple weeks ago I went to the doctor for a physical. In the past I have had high cholesterol and I was hoping that by running 20+ miles a week that I would now be fine. What I found out is that I am closer but I am not fine. A part of me thought that I might as well give up trying to be healthy, that maybe I wasn't meant to live a long and healthy life. Another part of me wanted to push past that, to change what I eat in order to bring my numbers down the rest of the way. I am frustrated, I wanted things to come easier for me.
Life has never been easy and a part of me appreciates that fact. As sat there and felt the scar on my foot I was taken back to when I was a child growing up on Holanda Lane. I could see clearly my house and jumping on that garbage can and cutting my foot. I look back at those memories and feel mixed emotions, for they were times I remember with both happiness and sadness. Growing up was filled with good times and with bad and I can remember both as I look back. But I know those times are in the past and I am a different person now.
I wonder how long in the future it will be before the wounds I received as an adult heal and all I am left with are the scars. And when I feel those scars and think back on the memories how I will feel about them. Maybe that is why I get up so darn early and run. Maybe a part of me is trying to run away from the pain I feel. Or maybe part of me is trying to run towards something better. I really don't know but I know that for now I will just keep moving forward, I will keep running. Either way, the scars will always be there but hopefully the pain is temporary.
