Looking forward

So I have been doing some thinking...crazy I know. I was thinking about my future, about what I want out of life. I have learned more than once that you should always begin with the end in mind. I have done an exercise before where I have written my own obituary with the purpose of gaining insight into how I want to live my life. I am not prepared right now to do so but perhaps soon I will revisit that exercise.

As I was pondering this exercise I started to think that maybe one area in my life where I went wrong was that I didn't have a clear goal in life. I am not so sure I am making sense with this but let me try to illustrate.

For the most part, when I was in high school I was focused on enjoying the experience, playing sports, hanging with friends, and all the non-educational aspects of school. My goal was to endure through high school as best as I could. It wasn't until I was a senior that I started to think about what would be coming next. I scrabbled to put together a plan of what I wanted to be when I "grew up". However, because of my lack of planning and focus before, it made the accomplishment of that goal even harder. I didn't get my undergrad degree until 9 years after I graduated high school and then another five years to get my MBA. My career choice changed but I was able, finally, to obtain my degree which is what I really wanted.

My life has had the same pattern. I seem to be trying to "endure" as best as I can and not really planning things out. I know in my mind what I wanted my life to look like, but I never thought of how I would get there, or what it would take.

So as I begin in earnest this project of "self-development", I must first decide what I really want to develop into...what do I see for myself and how do I plan to get there.

I have some ideas which will be forthcoming.

Name Change

When I started this blog I thought it would be fun, I thought I would write satire and keep it light. It didn't seem like it took long before the tone began to change. It has been a place for me to write my true thoughts and feelings. It has become my journal.

I have written about my struggles and my joys. Sometimes I am amazed when I look at the stats and see the number of views this blog gets. I don't write for the stats, quite honestly I am not sure why I write other than to tell my story. That is where I derived my silly title..."The story of a boy, his pencil and his dreams".

I am not sure why so many of you keep reading this, but I want to give my blog a more defined purpose and a new title.

It has been a year since Theresa and I separated. It has been a difficult year, but it seems like there have been many years of my life that were difficult. As I mentioned in an earlier blog, I have spent countless nights, nights like this, where I couldn't sleep because my mind was too busy thinking. Those nights have been filled with me thinking of the ways I have failed, the moments I wish I could have back, and the things I knew then that I know now.

I can't change the past...I can't. And it doesn't matter how much I wish I could, I just can't. I also know that I can't give up on life, despite my feeling that I have failed so many people, I know that so many people still love and care about me.

I have tried to do right in the past, but feel like I have failed. I have felt like I was never good enough. I have tried to be the person that everyone else wanted my to be, or at least what I thought they wanted me to be. I had never felt comfortable with myself.

Several months ago I got on a kick and I started to read a lot of books, mostly "self-help" books. What I have learned is that I have spent my life trying to be what I thought others wanted me to be, I never figured out what I wanted to be. I feel like I never developed me. I really don't know if any of that makes sense but let me put it like this...I don't know who I really am. You know how people take time and hike through Europe to "find" themselves, that is what I need to do, I need to discover who I am, I need to "re-build" myself.

I want this blog to take on a new purpose, I want to chronicle my journey. I want to share the things I have learned, I don't know if it will be of any use to anyone else, but I need to do it. I need to find the man that I was meant to be, that I want to be. I have a hope that someday I will find true peace and inner happiness. I have a hope that I will someday be the person I want to be.

I have changed the title of this blog to "Jeff's Self-Development Project". I thought of other titles but they were too long. I think this title sums up where the blog is going. It is time for me to re-build. It's time for me to stop living the life I have lived for so long and find true peace and happiness. I invite you, my faithful blog followers, on this journey with me.

Don't Give Up

So here I am in my apartment, going through boxes...not because I want to really but because I don't have cable as of yet and I am tired of working for today. I was going through the boxes of "stuff" that has been sitting in the garage for years and sorting out what I want to keep and what I can get rid of. Then there was the stuff that I didn't really "want" to keep but felt I probably should.

I came across a notepad I had from my days living in New York. It contained some of my notes, some poems I wrote and some general scribbles of information. Included in there was a list of a few poems and the authors. I looked some of them up and came across one that really hit me. So I am going to share with you.

Don't Give Up
by Phoebe Cary
If you tried and have not won,

Never stop for crying;

All that’s great and good is done

Just by patient trying.

Though young birds, in flying, fail,

Still their wings grow stronger;

And the next time they can stay

Up a little longer.

Though the sturdy oak has known

Many a blast that bowed her,

She has risen again, and grown

Loftier and prouder.

If by easy work you beat

Others, who will prize you?

Gaining victory from defeat -

That’s the test that tries you!

I think the last couple of lines really sum it up, "Gaining victory from defeat - that's the test that tries you". I trying to gain victory, honestly these days I am just trying to keep playing.

Moving...

I know it has been some time since my last blog. There is much to tell, maybe too much to tell. I am going to try to keep this one fairly short and fairly simple. There is a lot going through my mind right now and it would be far too much to put into one blog. I do want to go over just some of the key points.

The biggest news is that this weekend I finally moved into my own apartment. I am pretty sure that this is the first time in my life that I have lived completely alone, no roommates...just Jeff. The kids spent the night last night so it was a lot of fun. We ate pizza and watchied movies. Then today we we swimming. Needless to say I am tired.

It was about time that I move. Move out, move in, move on...whatever you want to call it. I needed to move or get moving. I have spent the last year in some sort of state of suspension. I spent countless nights laying awake thinking about my past. Wishing for one chance to go back and change things. I have spent a lot of time thinking about what point in time I would go back to and what I would change and how that change would carry forward through my life. What I have realized is that I can't go back, I can't change anything. This is where I am, this is my reality.

I spent a lot of time thinking about that and thinking about how life hadn't turned out as I had hoped, or how I had dreamed. I spent time thinking about my future and if it was even worth it to dream or hope for the future. I thought about just making it through life in a numb state, with no hope.

I decided that is not how I want to live my life. I recall a quote from the movie Rudy "Dreams are what make life tolerable". Sure life didn't go exactly the way I have wanted it to go, but life has had some pretty good moments for me as well. Moments that came because I wanted something good out of life. Moments like seeing the birth of my children and watching them grow before me into the awesome kids they are today. Countless moments when life seemed too perfect.

If I were to give up hope I would give up those moments of joy that I find between the hard times. So this weekend I moved. Not only into my own place, but I moved forward in life. Move forward, that's the only thing I can do.

I also am thinking about changing the name of my blog. Perhaps more details on that in the blogs to come. I hope to be able to write more often.

I am grateful for the love and support of my family and friends.