I run for me.

Once again it's been a long time. I could make excuses and say it's because I have been too busy or that not much has been going on. The reality is that I really didn't want people to hear what I wanted to say. Life continues its ups and downs and seems to be more down lately. I don't know why, maybe just the cycle of life. I think that is why I need this run on Sunday.This weekend I will be traveling down to Tucson and on Sunday I will run the Tucson Marathon. This will be my second ever marathon and the first in a series of three over the next twelve weeks.

A couple of weeks ago I was watching a documentary on the Kailua-Kona Ironman and was moved by the ability of the elites but more so by the stories of the non-elites. The stories of those who were overcoming great obstacles and physical limitations. Stories of those who have overcome cancer or lost a limb in combat only to continue on in life to become an Ironman. There were those who were racing to honor someone or to raise awareness for a cause dear to there heart.

I thought about my run this weekend and why I am running. On Sunday morning as I line up over 26 miles away from the finish line my goal is not to win the race. I am not running in despite of any physical limitations or to honor any person or to fight any cause or to inspire any group. It may sound selfish but as I line up, I will be running for me.

Almost a year ago I lined up to run a marathon to prove to myself that I could finish. I spent months training and preparing for it. I overcame my self doubt and allowed myself to believe in what I could accompish. So why run another, what do I have to prove again? Months ago I decided that I wanted to run not one more but three more marathons and during the past several months there have been a number of times when I wanted to give up. I wanted to trade in my shoes for a bathrobe and sit on my couch and waste away. I thought to myself that I already proved I could do it and that there was nothing left to prove.

I have to push myself forward and not let myself become satisfied with what is or with what was. I've already wasted too much time and lost too much with that mentality. I can't allow myself to sit and grow old on a couch in front of a TV. I run because it gives me purpose, it gives me hope. It silences that little voice in my head that says that I can't, or that I shouldn't or that I won't. A couple of years ago I couldn't imagine running even a half marathon. Now I am about to run my second full marathon and yet I still hear a voice telling me I can't. Not just in running but in life the little voice is there filling me with doubt. I know when I cross the finish line on Sunday I will be one step closer to quieting that voice for good and then maybe I can run for a cause.

I am running for me because I have my own demons to battle, my own limitations to overcome. I've been thinking a lot lately about what makes me happy and what I really want to do with my life. That in itself has caused a lot of issues for me but I know what I don't want to do with my life, at least not anymore. I don't want to sit on the couch and watch others live. I want to live, I want to do what I am passionate about, I want to know what I am passionate about. I want to make a difference but I know I can't help others until I get right.

I run not away from anything but towards something, towards enlightment, towards happiness, towards peace. For now at least, I run for me.

Running the numbers

Man, it's been a long time since I last blogged.

I am an accountant, I like numbers, I like charts, trends, graphs. I like to analyze and crunch numbers, it is a sickness, I know. I am also a runner, another sickness some people may say.


But what happens when you put the two together? Well a year ago I began logging my runs on a website called dailymile.com where I can track stats, look at charts and analyze trends. It’s a great combination of two of my favorite things.

So now that it has been a full year, here is what I accomplished since last October 1. I have logged 187 workouts that took me 169.62 hours for a distance of 1,140.42 miles. That equates to approximately .05 times around the world. According to my data I have also burned 37lbs. which is the equivalent of burning 708 donuts. Although I have not actually lost that many pounds or eaten that many donuts, I have made up for it in many ways.

My lowest running month was March when I logged just 54 miles, while the highest monthly total was September in which I logged 135 miles. I averaged running just over 95 miles per month. My longest single run was in January when I ran my first ever marathon of 26.2 miles.

This winter I am planning to run three marathons within a twelve week span so I should be logging plenty more miles. I guess we will see next year when the nerdy side of me runs the numbers again.

Scars of the past.

It's late, at least by my standards, but it's another one of those nights that I can't sleep. My alarm is set to go off at 4am again so I can get up and go run. I've got a friendly 4 mile race in the morning clear across the valley that starts at 6:30am. I am wondering why it is that I signed up to run it, and for that matter why is it that every morning that I don't work I seem to wake up at 4am to run. I guess I am questioning why it is that I am so determined to run. Why don't I stop and just sleep in? Why don't I give up on this obsession to run around, what has got a hold of me? Why don't I just sit on my couch and watch the world pass me by?

I can't answer those questions, at least not tonight. Too many other things are running through my mind, too many thoughts haunt me.

Just the other day after a run I took my shoes and socks off and was briefly rubbing my feet when I once again felt a scar that I have had on the bottom of my foot since I was a child. When I was young I was jumping on the outside garbage can to smash the garbage down and fit one more bag of trash in. Of course as a kid I was doing this with no shoes on and I cut the bottom of my foot on some glass. The pain didn't last long but the scar is still there.

It's not the only scar that I have, as a baby I once got severely burnt on my lower back and leg. I don't remember the incident at all or the pain that came with it. But the scar has been there for as long as I can remember.

They say that time heals all wounds and maybe it does but I suppose those scars will always be there. As I was laying in the dark of my room, with the thoughts and memories of the past, I realized that time hasn't yet healed all my wounds. I also realized that no matter how long that process takes, I will carry those scars with me forever. So just as this isn't my first sleepless night, it sure won't be my last. And just as I wonder why the heck it is that I feel this need or desire to run, there is something inside of me pushing me to keep moving forward even when I don't see the point. Sometimes I feel like I would be better off sitting down and watching life pass me by, I don't know what it is I hope to accomplish by pushing myself forward.

A couple weeks ago I went to the doctor for a physical. In the past I have had high cholesterol and I was hoping that by running 20+ miles a week that I would now be fine. What I found out is that I am closer but I am not fine. A part of me thought that I might as well give up trying to be healthy, that maybe I wasn't meant to live a long and healthy life. Another part of me wanted to push past that, to change what I eat in order to bring my numbers down the rest of the way. I am frustrated, I wanted things to come easier for me.

Life has never been easy and a part of me appreciates that fact. As sat there and felt the scar on my foot I was taken back to when I was a child growing up on Holanda Lane. I could see clearly my house and jumping on that garbage can and cutting my foot. I look back at those memories and feel mixed emotions, for they were times I remember with both happiness and sadness. Growing up was filled with good times and with bad and I can remember both as I look back. But I know those times are in the past and I am a different person now.

I wonder how long in the future it will be before the wounds I received as an adult heal and all I am left with are the scars. And when I feel those scars and think back on the memories how I will feel about them. Maybe that is why I get up so darn early and run. Maybe a part of me is trying to run away from the pain I feel. Or maybe part of me is trying to run towards something better. I really don't know but I know that for now I will just keep moving forward, I will keep running. Either way, the scars will always be there but hopefully the pain is temporary.

Running Hills

So it has been so long since my last post. I can't really say why I have slacked off but I have. So I figured I better start back up again.

So a couple of months ago I joined a running club. Mostly I go to the Wednesday night track workouts as a way to get in some good speed work sessions and also to associate with other runners. Yes it can get rather running nerdy as we discuss things like shoes, toenails, training and other running related matters. For the past few weeks we have not been able to use the high school track we normally use so we meet at our secondary location, a local park with some hills.

So last night, it was over 100 degrees and we had a workout that consisted of sprinting up a hill and down hill. I wasn't excited to do it, but I went.

I believe it was Oprah who said that running is a perfect metaphor for life, you get out of it what you put into it. I couldn't agree more. As I awoke this morning feeling a little stiff and a lot tired, I thought about what metaphor I could gain from these hill sprints.

Our assignment was to run three sets of ten with a short break in between each set. The first few I ran up the hill ready to take on the challenge. Then I slowed. After the first set I stopped, grabbed a drink and started again. I went much slower, walking at the top in the shade. It got harder and harder with each climb and my "sprints" became a jog at best. By the end of it all, I was exhausted and thirsty. My throat hurt and my lungs burned, and forget about how my legs were feeling. It was tough but what I knew is that I needed to run those hills, I needed them to make me stronger, to make me a faster runner. As much as I hated it, I wanted those hills.

This morning as I lay in bed I thought about life. About how sometimes we are given challenges, or hills, that we have to go up. Life has not been easy for me, just as it hasn't been easy for most everybody I know. There are always challenges and obstacles for us to overcome. Sometimes we can sprint over them, sometimes we jog, and sometimes we crawl. Sometimes we wish someone could carry us up the hill, just as I wished someone would have carried me, but in the end the best we can hope for is that we can lean on someone when we need to. The fact is that we must use our own legs if we want to get stronger.

Yesterday I became a stronger runner because I ran hills, in the heat. Just like everyday that I choose to overcome my challenges I become stronger as a person. A year or two ago there were challenges in my life that I thought were too great to overcome. I thought I was too weak to make it through them and I wanted to give up. I kept going, sometimes barely, and today I am stronger because of it.

I have learned in running that to become faster and stronger it is not easy. It requires hard work and sacrifice. It has literally taken blood, sweat and a lot of pain for me to run like I do. I don't run faster than most, or further than most. To most others I am just an average runner. The last 5K I ran, I finished 196 out of nearly 1,000 runners. Nothing too special but to me it was my fastest 5K time.

Others may look at me like an average guy, but I know that I am more than average. I know that I have overcome a lot, that I am stronger mentally and emotionally than I have ever been. I know that although I am not perfect or complete, I am closer than I was.

I don't always go out of my way looking for a hill to climb but when I see one, I see an opportunity to get stronger. I don't go looking for challenges and trials in my life, but when they come along I try to remember that they will make me stronger.

Walk if I have to

So I realized it has been quite a long time since my last blog. I suppose I can blame it on being busy and being sick and maybe, just maybe being a little bit lazy. I haven't blogged since my marathon.

I've run a couple of races since then. I ran a 5K and a 10K and broke my personal best in both distances with those runs. My goal for the year was to break my personal best in the 5K, 10K, 1/2 marathon and full marathon. The only one I have left is a half marathon. I am not sure when that will happen but I hope to run one before the end of the year. There are a few in December I have my eye on.

Enough of all that.

I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting, especially the past few weeks. I’ve gone through a lot of emotions and feelings as I sometimes feel on top of the world and other times struggle to get out of bed in the morning. I’ve had of lot of people offer me words of wisdom and advice. The echo of familiar sayings: “You are not alone. God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. Bad things happen for a reason.”

At times I appreciate the words but other times, to be honest, I feel a little put off from hearing the same old sayings. As often as I hear them, it doesn’t take away the pain, it doesn’t make life easier. Sure God might not give me more than I can handle but it doesn’t make handling it any easier. Just because I know I will survive doesn’t mean I want to.

So I thought of the alternative, I thought about what if no one offered words of encouragement and support. How would I feel? Does it really help? I think at times that there is no one who understands what I might be going through, but knowing that there are people who care that I am struggling is enough to make me push through.

I figured that running a marathon would help me learn, well here is an example.

I remembered a quote that I heard from Dean Karnazes, he said "Run when you can, walk if you have to, crawl if you must; just never give up". Just after mile 20, that quote came to my mind when I felt that I could no longer run and decided I had to walk for a bit. In brief periods I found the ability to run as I struggled during those last six miles, at other times it was all I could do to not give up and I walked.

The last mile of the marathon I was determined to run without walking. The last mile started just before crossing the Mill Avenue Bridge and as I crossed, there were no spectators on the bridge. But on the other side of the bridge, maybe a half mile from the finish, the streets were lined with spectators cheering all the runners, me included as we approached the end of our journey. Their cheers were encouraging and motivating. The pain didn't leave, the run didn't become easier but it seemed like I was going to make it. I didn't even know these people but it helped to hear them. It helped to hear a voice beyond my own telling me I could make it. The cheers were the same things you would expect to hear: “Keep going, you’re almost there. Good job, you can do it.” The pain was still very real but the ability to move forward became stronger knowing that others were there encouraging me.

So when I am walking, or crawling through life, when the thought of giving up is in my head, I want to know, I need to know that there are people cheering for me. And even though their bits of wisdom won't take away the pain, I will remember the last leg of that run. I will keep running when I can, walking if I have to, crawl if I must; but I will not give up. I will let the cheers of my friends and family push me on.

To all of you who offer me words of encouragement and support, I thank you. I sincerely appreciate it. I am thankful to know that I have others cheering me on as I make my way through this life and to that finish line, which at times seems so far away.

The Marathon Report

I have been thinking all week of what I wanted to write in regards to the event that took place last Sunday. I've been reflecting all week on what running that marathon meant to me and how training for, and running it, has changed me. I once read a quote that basically said once you cross a marathon finish line your life is changed forever because you have gained something. For me it was more than just running and it is hard to explain that in words. I decided that for now I will give you a brief overview of my experience and in future posts I will relate the many lessons learned and insights gained from the experience. The race was as much mental as it was physical and if I can be quite honest it was also quite emotional.

The few days leading up to the marathon I was feeling both anxious and nervous. With all the hard work and training I had done I was fairly confident that I would be able to get across the finish line, but there was still some doubt. On race morning I parked near the finish line and as instructed I boarded the light rail train to downtown where the race would start. It was early (pre-6am) and the train was filled with other runners. Once at the starting area I had time to sit, think and wait. Finally it was time to get in our corrals and I was getting excited. The start was delayed for a half an hour due to some issues with the light rail getting out of our way and as we waited I began to feel a little nervous. What was I thinking, I was about to run 26.2 miles?

Soon we were off and running, the first mile I was way ahead of my goal pace and so I tried to slow a bit down. I settled into a nice pace but it was still faster than my goal, it was the pace I had averaged when running my 20 mile long runs. I thought that with the excitement from the race and the will to finish that I could keep that pace up the entire time. It would turn out I was wrong. The first few miles felt good although the scenery wasn't very nice. But soon we turned the corner and we headed east towards Camelback mountain and I was still feeling good.

As I ran I was trying to take it all in, the bands playing along the course, the people cheering (there were some great signs), the scenery and the other runners. I was feeling good and enjoying myself. Before I knew it I was at the half-way point and when I saw the sign indicating we were at 13.1 miles, I got a little chill. I had run a half-marathon before but as I passed that sign it really hit me, that I was about to go further than I ever had before. I couldn't help but think of my run in San Francisco and how I thought 13.1 was impossible. I had proven to myself that 13.1 was possible and now I was about to prove that I could go twice as far. I reached that point in 20 minutes less time that I had when I ran in SF as well and I was still feeling pretty good as least for a little longer.

I have read a lot about how long distance runners will hit "the wall", the point where mentally and physically they feel that they can't go on. In my long runs there was only one time on a 20 miler where I felt I hit the wall around mile 16 but I managed to push on. I was hoping that I wouldn't feel that way at all as I ran the marathon but if I did I was hoping it wouldn't happen until at least mile 22. It happened around mile 19. Suddenly my accelerated pace caught up to me and I began to slow and worse, I began to question what it was I was doing. I tried to push on and tell myself I could do it but my mind and body disagreed. About mile 20 there was an aid station, I walked through it and drank some water. I had heard of many marathoners who walk through the aid stations and keep running in between. I thought I would do the same for the next couple of aid stations that were left.

Shortly after I started to resume to run, my body pleaded for me to stop. It was all I could do to push on. When I signed up for the race I was required to give an estimated finish time (so they know where to line everyone up at the start) and my original goal was 4:30:00 but with my training going so well I thought I could do it in 4:15:00. Until mile 20 I was on pace to run it in 4:08. After mile 20 I realized that I wasn't going to reach my goal of 4:15 and I struggled with that. I had to remind myself that I had developed three goals (two to fall back on) the first was 4:15, the second 4:30 and if all else fails the third was to finish. I had 10K left to go and I was questioning if I could do it or not. I started to jog and walk my way to the finish line.

I read a blog someone had posted after he had run his first marathon and he described how he was concerned by the fact that his longest run was 20 miles and the marathon was 26.2. So what he did was he dedicated each of the last 6 miles to a person that meant something in his life. I didn't plan anything similar to this out but almost wished I had. The last few miles I began to think about the special people in my life. The people who pushed me and supported me. The people who believed in me even when I didn't believe in myself. I hoped that when I finished I would be a better person for each of those people, that I would be in a better place to give back to each of them.

Soon I arrived at the mile marker for mile 25. I decided that I was going to run the last 1.2 miles without stopping and I was going to run it for me. I know, it sounds selfish but I needed it. As I started to run again I thought about how much I had gained from running and how much it has meant to me. It has been my therapy through some pretty rough times. Through running I have begun to find myself and I have connected a great deal with my higher self (or spiritual self). My legs felt heavy and my thighs felt like they were on fire as I slowly ran down the road. I was crossing over the Mill Ave Bridge just about a half a mile or so from the finish line and I had the urge to stop. I knew I would finish and I knew I would be close to my goal of 4:30 but I wanted to stop when something happened.

When I run I don't listen to music, I don't mind if others do I just prefer not to. The reason is because for me running clears my mind and allows me to think, sort of meditation I guess. Not to sound too crazy but I believe there are three parts to the person that I am, my physical body, my mind, and my spirit (or higher self). When I run, all three parts are in line. It is hard to explain really and maybe you think I am crazy but I am OK with that. When I run I feel connected to all three and I love it. As I was running toward the end of the marathon my body was pleading to stop, my mind was questioning what I should do and it was only my higher self encouraging me to move on. I felt like I was falling apart, then I had the following experience.

I remembered a video I had watched recently about Derek Redmond who was favored to win the 400 meter in the 92 Olympics when almost half way through he tore his hamstring and couldn't run. Not willing to give up he began to hobble toward the finish line when his dad came rushing out of the stands to his side. As his dad helped him around the track he told his son "You don't have to do this" to which Derek responded "Yes, I do". His dad then said "Then we will do this together" and together they rounded the track until just before the finish line his dad let him go and Derek crossed the finish line. As I was running across that bridge just within sight of the finish line, and wanted to give up but not willing to, a voice came into my mind and said "Jeff, you don't have to do this". I knew I could walk the rest of the way, I knew I could make it but I knew I needed to run and so in my mind I replied "Yes, I do". To which my spirit replied "then we will do this together". I felt something that is hard to explain but the closest I can come is to say that I felt comforted and I didn't stop running again until after I crossed the finish line.

As I crossed that finish line I filled with emotions, I really can't describe it. I was physically and mentally exhausted but I felt so great. I didn't run a marathon so that I could brag to the world about my accomplishment or say that I am better than anyone else because of what I had done. I ran a marathon so I could convince myself that I was stronger in every way then I ever thought I was. I ran a marathon so I would know what I could accomplish if I worked hard and pushed through. All week I have thought of the lessons learned from this experience and I am amazed. My life has changed it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I remembered the first time I climbed Pike's Peak while living in Colorado. I had the same feelings of wanting to give up and thinking I wouldn't make it but I did, barely. And because of that one experience I went on to hike it several more times and 16 other 14,000ft mountains just like it. I will keep running and I hope to run many more marathons.

After the finish line I got my medal, some food and drinks and made it to the finish line festival in time to catch the B-52s who were still playing. The day after I treated myself to a professional massage, also a first for me but not a last. On Tuesday most of the pain had gone away although I was still having trouble going up and down stairs. I managed a two mile "recovery" run Tuesday and now I feel better than ever.

I love what John Bingham said "The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start". I found something in running and now I found something in running a marathon. I found myself and I found that I can do amazing things. I ran the last mile for me, I ran the whole thing for me and I will never be the same because of it.

The Miracle

So the countdown to marathon day continues. As of today we are about 11 days away. I am in my "tapering" phase of my training which means I have been decreasing in my weekly milage. It has been a bit frustrating honestly, I want to get out and run more but I also don't want to push myself too much. I realize that on marathon day I will be running 6 miles longer than my longest run so I need to be fresh. I am looking forward to loading up on carbs, although I do that pretty much all the time anyways.

I read a quote a couple of weeks ago that I really enjoyed.

"The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to begin" - John Bingham

I've been thinking a lot about crossing that finish line and how awesome that is going to be for me but I realize that this, for me, is greater than just making it to the finish line. For me the real victory is that I believed in myself enough to get this far. Two years ago I couldn't imagine that I would ever be doing this but over those years I have allowed myself to grow and believe that I am stronger in many ways than I thought I was.

I've been reflecting a lot the past couple of weeks about what I have learned from this experience and it has amazed me. This is more than just about running, it's about pushing myself. It is about becoming stronger both mentally and physically. They say that running a marathon is as much mental as it is physical. So is the training.

I've pushed my limits and as a result I have learned that I can run faster than I once thought possible and I can run further than I once imagined. Now I believe that with enough work and dedication that there is no limit to what I can do. I've discovered amazing things about myself, things I haven't yet figured out how to express, but I will.

This past year has been one of pain and joy. I've hurt in many ways but in each way I have come out stronger. Physically, mentally, emotionally, I have become a stronger person because I challenged myself.

In less than two weeks I will stand shoulder to shoulder with thousands of others at the start line in downtown Phoenix. I have no expectation that I will win that race but that is not what winning means for me. By being at the start line I will have accomplished a great deal. Nevertheless, my goal is to run and finish, and by so doing I will confirm that I can accomplish what I once thought impossible. I can't help but wonder what emotions I will feel as I cross that finish line. When I ran the half-marathon in San Francisco, crossing the finish line was such a great feeling. I felt both humbled and proud. I had accomplished a major goal in my life.

I wonder if crossing the finish line at the full marathon will feel twice as good. I will let you all know if a couple weeks. It's both exciting and a bit scary to see the number of days on my training calendar dwindle. No more long runs to practice, just short light workouts. This Sunday is a "light" 8 miles. It seems not that long ago that 8 miles seemed almost impossible, now it has become routine.

I read an article about the funk some people fall into after they finish a marathon trying to figure what's next. I have already extended my training out and made some goals in the spirit of the new year. I plan to PR (personal record) at 5K, 10K, half marathon and full marathon. So a couple of months after my marathon, I want to revisit the half and see how well I can do there.