I'm Back

Yes, it has been a long time since my last post. I know some of you thought I would never come back. You wondered where you would be able to turn for deep insights into the world of accounting, and into life itself.

Well, I am back and I am sorry that I was away for so long. So much has happened since I last blogged. I started my new job, which has kept me busy. Which is probably why I haven't blogged in awhile. I found when you work for a firm that continues to grow and retain clients, you have less time to sit and think about blogging. I guess that is good career wise, but bad for you blog followers. Sorry but I have to think about myself on this one, trust me, I tried being unemployed (no, not on purpose) but it didn't work out so well. It turns out, most of the people you owe money to, actually want their money, they don't care if you don't have a job.

I know many of you are wondering who I am boycotting and there has been a change. I am not sure if I already mentioned Mythbusters, but they are on the list. I won't get into too much why other than to say that I found one episode to be lacking in objectivity. I have also added Quizno's to the list. Although I enjoy their toasted subs as much as the next guy, I found their commercials to be slightly disturbing. I mean a stove talking to another man in a sexy voice and then another commercial with two rednecks in a bathtub together. I know I may be a little conservative but it is what it is.

I found another thing that really bothers me but I am unable to boycott fully is any sporting event with a celebrity in the crowd. Why do the networks feel the need to tell us which celebrities are there. And how many times do they have to show them on TV. Yes we know Eva Longoria is at the Spurs games. We know Spike Lee is courtside at the Knicks. We know Jack and 500 other celebrities are at the Lakers games. We don't need to see them, we don't need to know who is there, we just want to see the game. If we wanted to know what the celebrities were doing, we would watch Entertainment Tonight or something. I was listening to the Dodgers-Phillies game the other day at work. I was in the office, it was a day game, I streamed it on my computer and tuned into the Phillies broadcast because yes, I am a Dodger hater. If I had a dollar for the number of times the announcers told us that Kobe Bryant was in the crowd, I would almost be as rich as Kobe. Then instead of saying a ball was fouled back, they would say it was fouled back close to Larry King. If I was sitting back there would they say the ball was popped back close to Jeff Patterson's seat? I don't think so.

Well enough about boycotts and annoying things. It's good to be back. I was inspired by last weeks episode of the Office and thought that perhaps I might write a book on business management as well. So look for me blogging some ideas and perhaps some chapter pieces. I promise my loyal bloggers an autograph copy. (You would have to buy it, I would just sign it.)

Hopefully it won't be another six weeks before my next post. Let's keep it real and stay cool Arizona. Peace out.

I am not lazy...

It’s not that I am lazy, it’s that I just don’t care. One of my many favorite lines from "Office Space" and the story of the last couple of weeks for me.

It all started a couple of weeks ago. It was like any other Friday in Phoenix, hot, sunny and hot. (Yes I said hot twice but it's Phoenix, it's HOT) I was in the office working, jamming to some music (thank you Pandora) and waiting for the weekend, even though I was going to work a few hours the next day. Then one of the partners stopped by my office, asked if he and the other partner could meet with me in the conference room. That’s never a good sign, I started to think “What the heck did I do wrong?”

Well it was like I was being broken up with. The official story is that the firm lost some clients, lost some bids, not enough work, so they had to cut someone loose. All I could hear is that "It's not you, it's me" which as most guys know that means...it's you but I don't want you to freak out so I am telling you it's me.

Well, after being assured it wasn't me (trust me...it's not me), I was told that I had a month, then my couple weeks of vacation, then I was unemployed. Of course I wasn't happy, I just started working for that firm. Well after another week, I had landed another job with another firm but not to start for another month. That left me with three and half weeks of working at a firm that didn't want me. So I was suppose to still work hard and put in full effort...yeah right. It's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care. I mean I worked as much as possible from 8-5. Sorry if I am not putting in overtime, it's not like a get paid for it and I just don't have the motivation to bust my hump so that the audit gets done timely. I won't see anything from it. Maybe not the best attitude, but hey it's not me, it's them.

So after tomorrow I will have a forced vacation for a couple of weeks, then back to it. I have a feeling in a couple of weeks, I will care again and I won't be lazy, in fact or appearance.

So I Think I Can Dance...

Those of you who know me, know I am a guy and I am white. Now when I say I am white, I mean I am white. If I were to run naked in the snow, you wouldn't see me. Not that you would want to see that anyways but it would be useful if running away from bad guys on a snow covered mountain. I am the kind of white you see in Idaho, land of my forefathers. (Word to the wise, if you ever go to a water park in Idaho, make sure you are wearing sunglasses. It's like snow skiing on a sunny day.)

If you have seen me dance before, you would hope to never see it again. I remember once going to a Scottish festival while I was living in Utah. Theresa and the kids were out of town, so I stayed all day watching the competition, eating food, and shopping the booths. I was really trying to feel connected to my Scottish ancestors. At night, they had a band play, they were called the Wicked Tinkers, if I remember correct. As they played, people began to dance. Never before had I seen such bad dancing and you couldn't say it was because everyone was drunk. We were in Utah, alcohol is outlawed. (Incidentally, according to an Internet site, you may be an alcoholic if you have ever, under the influence of alcohol, questioned the teachings of the Mormon church. Ask Michael Scott.) It was just the heritage of the people, it was my heritage. I felt a connection to my ancestors like never before. Sure the Scottish can't dance, but we can throw big rocks and logs, we don't need dancing.

Nevertheless, after 13 years of asking, I went dancing with Theresa. Yes, I went dancing. Dance class actually. To learn to swing. Honestly, it was a mistake. Theresa said something about swinging on Saturday night and naturally I said yes. J/K my friends, J/K.

It was a good time, I look forward to trying it again. I only learned the very basics but with a little practice...ok, a lot of practice, I can be the next Lord of the Dance. Maybe I can get my own reality show, or at least be on one. I don't know, something to think about.

Stay cool Arizona, Patterson, Out!

Cleaning up my audit.

There have been a lot of news stories lately blaming accountants and auditors for the downfall of the economic system of the world. As flattering as it is that accountants have such power and influence in the lives of the citizens of planet Earth, I don't feel it fair to blame all accountants for the mistakes of the few (or several). I think accountants are getting a bad rap.

Speaking of bad raps, I altered the lyrics to Eminems popular song "Cleaning out my closet". If you know the song and the life of an auditor, the following might be moving and powerful. If not, then whatever, I'll post something else later. Perhaps someday, I will record this with a video and everything.

Cleaning Up My Audit

Intro
Where's my lead?
I have no lead in my pencil
There you go
Yeah
point 5-0, point 5-0

Verse 1
Have you ever been hated, or discriminated against?
I have, I've been legislated and regulated against
Picket signs for the wicked crimes, look at the times
Sick is the mind, of the accounting' guy that's behind
All this commotion, emotions run deep as oceans explodin'
Tempers flarin' from haters just blow 'em off and keep goin'
Not takin' bribes from no one, give em an opinion long as I'm breathin'
Keep tickin' papers in the mornin', and clearin’ points in the evenin'
Leave them with an audit opinion is what it’s about
See they can hire me, but they can never ever buy me out
Look at me now, I bet ya probably sick of me now
Ain't you con man, I'ma make you look so ridiculous now

Chorus (2x)
I'm sorry con man
I never meant to hurt you
I never meant to make you cry
But tonight, I'm cleaning up my audit

No more crime

I said,I'm sorry con man
I never meant to hurt you
I never meant to make you cry
But tonight, I'm cleaning up my audit Ha!

Verse 2
I got some pencils in my pocket
And I don't really know if you know it
But before I opine on the financials and close it
I’ll expose it, so give all your records to me
So I can test the statements below materiality
It will take a while maybe just a couple of months
If it’s busy season I won’t even stop and eat lunch
I don’t stop, but I won’t help you to lie
No I won’t, con man so I don’t think you even should try
I look at Bernie, and I couldn't picture auditing such a crime
Even if I liked him, I'd grit my teeth and I withdraw from the work
Or opine adverse at least for the user's sake I maybe make some mistakes
But I'm assessing the risk of misstatement so investors don’t pay
No I am not stupid, I can audit and chew gum
But the smartest thing I did was study audit for fun
and then took the MBA and CPA, it was rough but I passed ‘em both
It's my life, I'd like to welcome ya'll to The Auditors show

Chorus (2x)

Verse 3

Now I would never dis an accountant just to get recognition
Take a second to listen for you think this record is dissin'
But put yourself in my position, just try to envision
Witnessin' a con man cookin' up revenues in the kitchen
Thinkin' that someone's gonna know you got liabilities and expenses missin'
Goin’ though client accounting systems, using professional skepticism
My whole life I was made to believe the world was honest but it wasn't
People screw up, and it blew up when they trick the public, doesn’t it?
Wasn't it the reason you made the S.E.C. for me, huh?
So you could try to rectify the way cons treated me, huh?
But guess what, cons are gettin' bolder now and it's cold when they’re phoney
And regulation's growin' up so much and the public is tired of all the bologna
And Bernie’s gettin' over a century now, you should see his cell mate, he's beautiful
But public trust is dying, and we can’t pay for the funeral
See what hurts me the most, is you won´t admit you was wrong
Richie Rich, do ya song, keep tellin' yourself that you’re not a con
But how dare you try to take what you didn't help others to get
You're filthy rich, I hope you’re audited in hell for this wrong!
Remember when the economy died and you said it was because me?
Well guess what, it's not all accountants, and it sure wasn't me!!

It was the best of times and the worst of times. Movies and bugs.

I must apologize to my loyal blog followers for not writing in so long. Work has started to pick up so I find I have less time to do the things I enjoy, like blogging, or Facebooking. What a drag. Last week I went to an ethics seminar for my CPA CPE. What a joy that was. A little Enron, WorldCom, and a few others, and all the sudden we all have to sit in a class and learn how to either be ethical or cover it up better.

They did show us one funny thing. After a person passes the CPA exams, there is an open book online ethics test you have to take. Some yahoo put an ad on Craigs list looking for someone to take the ethics exam for him because he didn't have the "time to study". Way to help the profession.

Theresa and I did go see a couple movies over the past couple weeks. Let me give you my reviews.

The first movie we saw was "The Proposal" starring Sandra Bullock and some other people. I must say, I give this movie two very enthusiastic thumbs up. Sandra was once again wonderful. Now some of you might say I like the movie because of a certain scene where Sandra is...well let's say not fully clothed. Well it didn't hurt the movie but it was a great movie anyway. Oscar who plays Oscar on the Office was great, as was Betty White. Who doesn't love Betty, she made Golden Girls. For a romantic comedy this movie had more comedy than romance but enough of both to make everyone happy. I believe it will be released on DVD around my birthday, I wouldn't mind owning this one.

The other movie we saw was Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. We saw it at the two dollar theatre because let's face it, we can't pay full price for two movies in one pay period. This one had Jennifer Garner and some other people. Matthew someone...he was in a Time to Kill with Sandra Bullock. This one was not quite as good. Not too bad for two dollars.

Other than that not much is new. It's been freakin' hot but I can't complain. It's Arizona, it's July. The other day I went to the store and bought milk, but by the time I got to the car all I had was evaporated milk. Then another day I was walking to my car after work when I passed a little gas. Quite literally my pants started on fire. Talk about embarrassing, I had to stop, drop and roll right there in the parking lot. I only mention it so that my fellow Arizonians are careful. A little Beano could save a life.

I had some encounters with wild life the past couple weeks. At one client last week a big old spider came in the room and starting make its way towards me. I wanted to scream and run but the client was in there talking. I couldn't really stop and smash it either. Luckily just as it got to me, it ran and went back the other way. Then at another client I was washing my hands after using the bathroom and next to the towels, a big old cockroach come running across the counter. Sometimes being an auditor is scary. It's also dangerous, just today I got a papercut on my hand loading some paper into the printer. Another reason we need to go paperless.

That's about all for now. I will try to keep my priorities in check and update my blog on a more regular basis.

You stay cool Arizona. Patterson out.

Thoughts. Yes I have some from time to time.

I thought I would update this now, instead of waiting for the weekend. It's a slow week at work and I am spending today clearing other people's points. (Some of you know what I am talking about, for those who don't...I am doing other people's work for them.)

What a great week on the home-front. Jared made it back from Colorado and we were all excited for that. I am glad he had a great time with his Grandma and Grandpa, as well as his cousins, Aunt and Uncle. He and Ethan both had their birthdays this week, pooled their money together and bought their own Playstation. Which is good for me, less competition for time on my playstation.

I must say it was a pretty slow week work wise, which is nice. Busy season is coming up and so a brief week of mindless work is nice. I reset my counter on Itunes and I am confident that I will have listened to most, if not all, of my music by the end of the day today. As a side note, none of my music is pirated, that would be wrong.

Did you hear about the college kid that dunked on Lebron at a Nike skills camp, then Nike took all the video of that away. Reminds me of when I dunked on Jordan and they did the same thing. Now there is no proof of Lebron or Jordan getting dunked on by young guys. What a shame.

The whole college athlete thing got me to thinking. (Yes, I try thinking now, it’s new but I think I am enjoying it.) Colleges are starting to recruit kids in Junior High school these days. I thought it would be cool if CPA firms started doing that. Going to schools to find the gifted, (because lets face it, gifted kids become accountants…look at me.) and groom them from an early age.

I don’t think a lot of young people grow up wanting to be an accountant like I did. From my early days in the projects, I dreamed of making it big someday. Look at me now! I think if kids knew some famous accountants, it would help. I have found a list of some of famous accountants (or people that were once accountants.)

John Grisham – true before he came a lawyer and then an author received an accounting degree.

Kenny G – Out of the University of Washington received an accounting degree with honors. I don’t know if this really helps our cause though.

Bob Newhart – was an accountant before he took Hollywood by storm.

Ray Wersching – ex-field goal kicker for the 49ers was a CPA in the offseason.

Phil Knight – Founder of Nike…CPA.

Adam Sandler…well he’s not but that would be cool.

I was thinking now that I am not studying for anything anymore, I needed to find something to study. I decided I wanted to learn a new language, something unique but useful. I called Rosetta Stone but they don’t offer my top five choices. I have urged them to add these languages to their program but I don’t think they will.

Klingon – it would be fun and useful when talking with IT guys.
Pig Latin – it would be a fun language to master.
Shyriiwook – They didn’t even know what this was. It is the native language of wookies. I thought it would be fun to know and besides, they don’t put subtitles in Star Wars for Chewbacca.
Ebonics – though I know a little bit of this, I would really like to master it.
Spanglish – let’s face it, I live in the Southwest of America, this would be the most useful language to know. I could use it everyday.

Well back to work. Just wanted to update everyone. Have a good weekend and to my fellow Arizonains, stay cool. I think if I were an anchorman in Phoenix my sign off line would be .."Good night and stay cool Arizona" Needs work I think.

Accountants of the theatre

I can't help but watch movies and think of things from an accounting perspective. Although there are many movies about accountants, I would like to see a few more. A musical about auditors would be cool. I know some of us have brainstormed the idea and have come up with some great stuff, I just don't know if Broadway is ready for that.

But there have been some great movies featuring accountants.

Think of some of the great ones: The Untouchables, the main focus was the accountant. Big deal Elliot Ness and his friends faced danger from Al Capone, but who was it that brought the whole thing down...the accountant. We can't forget the famous scene in the train station when the Untouchables are trying to get the accountant. They really should have shown that in accounting classes to scare people out of accounting for the mob. I remember is drivers ed., they showed what happens when you drink and drive, why not show us what happens when you account for the mob.

Then there was Shawshank Redemption, where accounting was used to help escape from prison. Should I ever find myself in prison, I will make sure the warden knows I can help launder his money. This is an example of accounting working to the benefit of man.

There are some movies that ever mention the accountant, or the auditor, and I can't help but think of what the accountants are facing in those times.

Let me me give you an example. Star Wars. How would you like to be the CFO of the Galactic Empire? I sure wouldn't want that job. I can just imagine sitting in a budget meeting with the Emperor and Darth Vader after the Death Star was destroyed. I wouldn't want to tell them that we don't have the budget for another one. Every time Darth would come with a purchase requisition, I would be too afraid to tell him no. Could you imagine..."Sorry Lord Vader, you have to get this request for a light saber approved by the Emperor before I can process it." Then he would say something like "You have failed me for the last time" and boom...you're dead.

I don't if Galactic Empires need to be audited like other governmental agencies. I would have to believe that would be a client you didn't want to take on. Talk about risk. Who cares if the financials are materially misstated?, I wouldn't want to offer any other opinion. I do wonder how long you would depreciate the Death Star for. I also wonder at what point the Empire would become a going concern.

I also can't help but think of Beauty and the Beast. I don't know much about French law. I do know that if the Beast had a castle in America, it would probably be part of a HOA and they would not stand for they way his house looked. But that rose, would that be a deferred asset, a liability, or what? That would be a tough one.

These are things that I ponder when I am alone in the dark.

In other news...

It seems that the news the past week has centered around the death of Michael Jackson. While this is a nice break from the John, Kate and eight saga that captured news headlines the week before, I found there is other news happening out there that has not been covered as much as should be.

I have included a few of those headlines for you, so you can stay on top of current events beyond Michael.

-Last week Bert and Ernie, from the popular TV show Sesame Street, attended the Gay Pride parade in San Francisco. The outspoken Bert was encouraging the attendees to continue their fight to legalize same sex marriage in California.

-Miss Piggy was hospitalized in Mount Sinai hospital in Los Angeles with flu like symptoms. It appears Miss Piggy may have contracted the swine flu which has plagued the world in recent weeks. Doctors expect her to make a full recovery.

-The economic troubles have reached the ocean floor. Reports indicate that the popular restuarant Krusty Krab has filed for bankruptcy protection earlier this week. Mr Krabs, the owner said business has declined in recent months. Other restuarants like Chum Bucket have also seen sales decline and worry that unless the economy improves, layoffs may be needed.

-Bluto plans to write a "tell all" book about the behind the scenes of Popeye. Including Olive Oyl's eating disorder, Wimpy's obsession with hamburgers caused by his pot addiction and his own battle with steroids.

That's all the stories for now. Time to get back to work.

You may be in a redneck town...

What a wild couple of weeks it has been. The world lost Ed, Farrah, Michael and even Billy Mays. I always muted Billy but it is still sad news.

I had a great couple of weeks traveling through Arizona going to some places most people don’t go. I used up a lot of pencil lead the last couple weeks and I saw some interesting things on my travels. I spent most the time the last two weeks driving and working on my own. As I was cruising down a country road listening to country music, I felt as though I was becoming what my good friend Jeff Foxworthy would describe as a “redneck”.

As I began to question my own neck color, I thought am I a redneck? I realized that I am just a white collar man in a redneck town. So I thought, how do you know if you are in a redneck town?

- If you only get three genres on the radio, country, religious, and Spanish, you may be in a redneck town.

- If the restaurant you’re in has more animal heads on the wall, then patrons in chairs, you may be in a redneck town.

- If you are wearing a tie, and everyone else is wearing a cowboy hat, you may be in a redneck town.

- If you see a guy with a cell phone on one side of his belt, and a revolver on the other side, you may be in a redneck town.

- If the people you see have belt buckles bigger than your dinner plate, you may be in a redneck town.

- If you see young children going to the store riding on an ATV, you may be in a redneck town.

- If the town folk think they hit it big time because a Wal-Mart opened up, you may be in a redneck town.

- If you are the only one not driving a pickup truck, you may be in a redneck town.

- If there are more feed stores, than grocery stores, you may be in a redneck town.

I have nothing against redneck folks. I think they are great. It’s just when you walk into a restaurant and everyone stops eating and looks at your because you come in all dressed up, it makes a guy feel uncomfortable.

Starting out

So I am blogging. I don't even know what "Blog" means. Maybe it is something like "tweeting", I really don't know. I don't know what "tweet" means either. I just figured my story is so inspiring, it needs to be told. I know I can speak to the masses of people who read blogs. (I assume there are some and that is why people blog.)

I figure by keeping a blog, it will be easier for me to write my biography a few years down the line. Which WILL be a best seller because I am going to meet up with Oprah and then I am gold. I mean Oprah is pretty cool, think about, she picked a president.

I have to blog, I travel all over…well at least in the great state of Arizona. I see some of the greatest places no one ever sees. I have been to places most people who lived in Arizona their whole life don’t know about. Places that are half a mile from the center of nowhere.

Also, this way I can combine my two favorite school subjects: math and English. (I don’t even know if I am suppose to capitalize English?? Should have listened to Mr. Nolte, who is not the brother of Nick) I figure I couldn’t really make anything out my other favorite class, PE. Funny how PE teachers take their job so seriously but I don’t see how playing badminton really helps. Perhaps if we learned golf, I could use that, I have golfed for work related things. The boss never says, “Hey Jeff, how about we go hit the shuttlecock around this weekend?” If he did, I would rock though, thanks to Dublin High PE. Go Gaels! That's right, I said Gaels. (Don't laugh...our school could kick your schools *&#)

So I am not a professional athlete, I am an accountant. I count things. People think accountants are boring, I am going to change that by blogging the inside life of an accountant. In fact, I am more than an accountant, I am an auditor. (NO I DON’T WORK FOR THE IRS). Even better, I am a CPA. Most people think all CPA’s do taxes but we don’t. CPA’s are like doctors, we have specialties. So when you meet a CPA, don’t think they do taxes, just like when you meet a doctor, you don’t know if the doctor is a brain surgeon or a foot doctor. You really don’t want to mix those up.

So this is my first blog. I don't know what will become of this. I hope I can post pictures, I am for sure going to use pictures in my biography. I mean a picture is worth 1,000 words, so the more pictures, the more I can charge for my book. It would be worth much more words.

So if you want, pay close attention to the life and times of Jeff.