Cleaning up my audit.

There have been a lot of news stories lately blaming accountants and auditors for the downfall of the economic system of the world. As flattering as it is that accountants have such power and influence in the lives of the citizens of planet Earth, I don't feel it fair to blame all accountants for the mistakes of the few (or several). I think accountants are getting a bad rap.

Speaking of bad raps, I altered the lyrics to Eminems popular song "Cleaning out my closet". If you know the song and the life of an auditor, the following might be moving and powerful. If not, then whatever, I'll post something else later. Perhaps someday, I will record this with a video and everything.

Cleaning Up My Audit

Intro
Where's my lead?
I have no lead in my pencil
There you go
Yeah
point 5-0, point 5-0

Verse 1
Have you ever been hated, or discriminated against?
I have, I've been legislated and regulated against
Picket signs for the wicked crimes, look at the times
Sick is the mind, of the accounting' guy that's behind
All this commotion, emotions run deep as oceans explodin'
Tempers flarin' from haters just blow 'em off and keep goin'
Not takin' bribes from no one, give em an opinion long as I'm breathin'
Keep tickin' papers in the mornin', and clearin’ points in the evenin'
Leave them with an audit opinion is what it’s about
See they can hire me, but they can never ever buy me out
Look at me now, I bet ya probably sick of me now
Ain't you con man, I'ma make you look so ridiculous now

Chorus (2x)
I'm sorry con man
I never meant to hurt you
I never meant to make you cry
But tonight, I'm cleaning up my audit

No more crime

I said,I'm sorry con man
I never meant to hurt you
I never meant to make you cry
But tonight, I'm cleaning up my audit Ha!

Verse 2
I got some pencils in my pocket
And I don't really know if you know it
But before I opine on the financials and close it
I’ll expose it, so give all your records to me
So I can test the statements below materiality
It will take a while maybe just a couple of months
If it’s busy season I won’t even stop and eat lunch
I don’t stop, but I won’t help you to lie
No I won’t, con man so I don’t think you even should try
I look at Bernie, and I couldn't picture auditing such a crime
Even if I liked him, I'd grit my teeth and I withdraw from the work
Or opine adverse at least for the user's sake I maybe make some mistakes
But I'm assessing the risk of misstatement so investors don’t pay
No I am not stupid, I can audit and chew gum
But the smartest thing I did was study audit for fun
and then took the MBA and CPA, it was rough but I passed ‘em both
It's my life, I'd like to welcome ya'll to The Auditors show

Chorus (2x)

Verse 3

Now I would never dis an accountant just to get recognition
Take a second to listen for you think this record is dissin'
But put yourself in my position, just try to envision
Witnessin' a con man cookin' up revenues in the kitchen
Thinkin' that someone's gonna know you got liabilities and expenses missin'
Goin’ though client accounting systems, using professional skepticism
My whole life I was made to believe the world was honest but it wasn't
People screw up, and it blew up when they trick the public, doesn’t it?
Wasn't it the reason you made the S.E.C. for me, huh?
So you could try to rectify the way cons treated me, huh?
But guess what, cons are gettin' bolder now and it's cold when they’re phoney
And regulation's growin' up so much and the public is tired of all the bologna
And Bernie’s gettin' over a century now, you should see his cell mate, he's beautiful
But public trust is dying, and we can’t pay for the funeral
See what hurts me the most, is you won´t admit you was wrong
Richie Rich, do ya song, keep tellin' yourself that you’re not a con
But how dare you try to take what you didn't help others to get
You're filthy rich, I hope you’re audited in hell for this wrong!
Remember when the economy died and you said it was because me?
Well guess what, it's not all accountants, and it sure wasn't me!!

It was the best of times and the worst of times. Movies and bugs.

I must apologize to my loyal blog followers for not writing in so long. Work has started to pick up so I find I have less time to do the things I enjoy, like blogging, or Facebooking. What a drag. Last week I went to an ethics seminar for my CPA CPE. What a joy that was. A little Enron, WorldCom, and a few others, and all the sudden we all have to sit in a class and learn how to either be ethical or cover it up better.

They did show us one funny thing. After a person passes the CPA exams, there is an open book online ethics test you have to take. Some yahoo put an ad on Craigs list looking for someone to take the ethics exam for him because he didn't have the "time to study". Way to help the profession.

Theresa and I did go see a couple movies over the past couple weeks. Let me give you my reviews.

The first movie we saw was "The Proposal" starring Sandra Bullock and some other people. I must say, I give this movie two very enthusiastic thumbs up. Sandra was once again wonderful. Now some of you might say I like the movie because of a certain scene where Sandra is...well let's say not fully clothed. Well it didn't hurt the movie but it was a great movie anyway. Oscar who plays Oscar on the Office was great, as was Betty White. Who doesn't love Betty, she made Golden Girls. For a romantic comedy this movie had more comedy than romance but enough of both to make everyone happy. I believe it will be released on DVD around my birthday, I wouldn't mind owning this one.

The other movie we saw was Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. We saw it at the two dollar theatre because let's face it, we can't pay full price for two movies in one pay period. This one had Jennifer Garner and some other people. Matthew someone...he was in a Time to Kill with Sandra Bullock. This one was not quite as good. Not too bad for two dollars.

Other than that not much is new. It's been freakin' hot but I can't complain. It's Arizona, it's July. The other day I went to the store and bought milk, but by the time I got to the car all I had was evaporated milk. Then another day I was walking to my car after work when I passed a little gas. Quite literally my pants started on fire. Talk about embarrassing, I had to stop, drop and roll right there in the parking lot. I only mention it so that my fellow Arizonians are careful. A little Beano could save a life.

I had some encounters with wild life the past couple weeks. At one client last week a big old spider came in the room and starting make its way towards me. I wanted to scream and run but the client was in there talking. I couldn't really stop and smash it either. Luckily just as it got to me, it ran and went back the other way. Then at another client I was washing my hands after using the bathroom and next to the towels, a big old cockroach come running across the counter. Sometimes being an auditor is scary. It's also dangerous, just today I got a papercut on my hand loading some paper into the printer. Another reason we need to go paperless.

That's about all for now. I will try to keep my priorities in check and update my blog on a more regular basis.

You stay cool Arizona. Patterson out.

Thoughts. Yes I have some from time to time.

I thought I would update this now, instead of waiting for the weekend. It's a slow week at work and I am spending today clearing other people's points. (Some of you know what I am talking about, for those who don't...I am doing other people's work for them.)

What a great week on the home-front. Jared made it back from Colorado and we were all excited for that. I am glad he had a great time with his Grandma and Grandpa, as well as his cousins, Aunt and Uncle. He and Ethan both had their birthdays this week, pooled their money together and bought their own Playstation. Which is good for me, less competition for time on my playstation.

I must say it was a pretty slow week work wise, which is nice. Busy season is coming up and so a brief week of mindless work is nice. I reset my counter on Itunes and I am confident that I will have listened to most, if not all, of my music by the end of the day today. As a side note, none of my music is pirated, that would be wrong.

Did you hear about the college kid that dunked on Lebron at a Nike skills camp, then Nike took all the video of that away. Reminds me of when I dunked on Jordan and they did the same thing. Now there is no proof of Lebron or Jordan getting dunked on by young guys. What a shame.

The whole college athlete thing got me to thinking. (Yes, I try thinking now, it’s new but I think I am enjoying it.) Colleges are starting to recruit kids in Junior High school these days. I thought it would be cool if CPA firms started doing that. Going to schools to find the gifted, (because lets face it, gifted kids become accountants…look at me.) and groom them from an early age.

I don’t think a lot of young people grow up wanting to be an accountant like I did. From my early days in the projects, I dreamed of making it big someday. Look at me now! I think if kids knew some famous accountants, it would help. I have found a list of some of famous accountants (or people that were once accountants.)

John Grisham – true before he came a lawyer and then an author received an accounting degree.

Kenny G – Out of the University of Washington received an accounting degree with honors. I don’t know if this really helps our cause though.

Bob Newhart – was an accountant before he took Hollywood by storm.

Ray Wersching – ex-field goal kicker for the 49ers was a CPA in the offseason.

Phil Knight – Founder of Nike…CPA.

Adam Sandler…well he’s not but that would be cool.

I was thinking now that I am not studying for anything anymore, I needed to find something to study. I decided I wanted to learn a new language, something unique but useful. I called Rosetta Stone but they don’t offer my top five choices. I have urged them to add these languages to their program but I don’t think they will.

Klingon – it would be fun and useful when talking with IT guys.
Pig Latin – it would be a fun language to master.
Shyriiwook – They didn’t even know what this was. It is the native language of wookies. I thought it would be fun to know and besides, they don’t put subtitles in Star Wars for Chewbacca.
Ebonics – though I know a little bit of this, I would really like to master it.
Spanglish – let’s face it, I live in the Southwest of America, this would be the most useful language to know. I could use it everyday.

Well back to work. Just wanted to update everyone. Have a good weekend and to my fellow Arizonains, stay cool. I think if I were an anchorman in Phoenix my sign off line would be .."Good night and stay cool Arizona" Needs work I think.

Accountants of the theatre

I can't help but watch movies and think of things from an accounting perspective. Although there are many movies about accountants, I would like to see a few more. A musical about auditors would be cool. I know some of us have brainstormed the idea and have come up with some great stuff, I just don't know if Broadway is ready for that.

But there have been some great movies featuring accountants.

Think of some of the great ones: The Untouchables, the main focus was the accountant. Big deal Elliot Ness and his friends faced danger from Al Capone, but who was it that brought the whole thing down...the accountant. We can't forget the famous scene in the train station when the Untouchables are trying to get the accountant. They really should have shown that in accounting classes to scare people out of accounting for the mob. I remember is drivers ed., they showed what happens when you drink and drive, why not show us what happens when you account for the mob.

Then there was Shawshank Redemption, where accounting was used to help escape from prison. Should I ever find myself in prison, I will make sure the warden knows I can help launder his money. This is an example of accounting working to the benefit of man.

There are some movies that ever mention the accountant, or the auditor, and I can't help but think of what the accountants are facing in those times.

Let me me give you an example. Star Wars. How would you like to be the CFO of the Galactic Empire? I sure wouldn't want that job. I can just imagine sitting in a budget meeting with the Emperor and Darth Vader after the Death Star was destroyed. I wouldn't want to tell them that we don't have the budget for another one. Every time Darth would come with a purchase requisition, I would be too afraid to tell him no. Could you imagine..."Sorry Lord Vader, you have to get this request for a light saber approved by the Emperor before I can process it." Then he would say something like "You have failed me for the last time" and boom...you're dead.

I don't if Galactic Empires need to be audited like other governmental agencies. I would have to believe that would be a client you didn't want to take on. Talk about risk. Who cares if the financials are materially misstated?, I wouldn't want to offer any other opinion. I do wonder how long you would depreciate the Death Star for. I also wonder at what point the Empire would become a going concern.

I also can't help but think of Beauty and the Beast. I don't know much about French law. I do know that if the Beast had a castle in America, it would probably be part of a HOA and they would not stand for they way his house looked. But that rose, would that be a deferred asset, a liability, or what? That would be a tough one.

These are things that I ponder when I am alone in the dark.

In other news...

It seems that the news the past week has centered around the death of Michael Jackson. While this is a nice break from the John, Kate and eight saga that captured news headlines the week before, I found there is other news happening out there that has not been covered as much as should be.

I have included a few of those headlines for you, so you can stay on top of current events beyond Michael.

-Last week Bert and Ernie, from the popular TV show Sesame Street, attended the Gay Pride parade in San Francisco. The outspoken Bert was encouraging the attendees to continue their fight to legalize same sex marriage in California.

-Miss Piggy was hospitalized in Mount Sinai hospital in Los Angeles with flu like symptoms. It appears Miss Piggy may have contracted the swine flu which has plagued the world in recent weeks. Doctors expect her to make a full recovery.

-The economic troubles have reached the ocean floor. Reports indicate that the popular restuarant Krusty Krab has filed for bankruptcy protection earlier this week. Mr Krabs, the owner said business has declined in recent months. Other restuarants like Chum Bucket have also seen sales decline and worry that unless the economy improves, layoffs may be needed.

-Bluto plans to write a "tell all" book about the behind the scenes of Popeye. Including Olive Oyl's eating disorder, Wimpy's obsession with hamburgers caused by his pot addiction and his own battle with steroids.

That's all the stories for now. Time to get back to work.