By normal standards today's run was a bad run, but a bad run was probably the one thing I needed after a bad couple of weeks. I know that probably sounds backwards but let me explain.
Last year I accomplished something that at one time I never even thought of doing and had I thought about it I would have dismissed as impossible. But for those who have followed my blogs in the past know, I am trying to change my life. Running isn't just about being physically healthy for me but it's also about gaining a piece of mind. Almost three years ago I set a goal to run a half marathon in San Francisco and then following that I set a goal to run a full marathon last January. Then over the summer a new goal emerged from my mind, the goal was to run three marathons in 90 days. Doing so would qualify me for the "Marathon Maniacs" group but more importantly it would force me to train for half the year.
For me these goals are more than just a physical challenge. They are a motivation to push forward, to stop living in a coma and to embrace the world. What I have learned is that I am happier when I am running for something instead of running from something. It's hard to explain but these running goals help me to write my story.
My quest for three as I will call it began in September with training for a marathon in early December in Tucson. I ran into some problems in early November when I began having pain in my shins as I increased both the intensity and distance of my weekly miles. With this pain I was force into a dilema, trying to balance healing with training. With just a few days until the Tucson marathon I debated switching to the half as a result of my lack of quality long runs in preparation. I decided it was too early to scratch the quest for three goal and so I ran the full and it was a struggle.
My shins had healed but running further than I was prepared for started other problems. Following Tucson I could feel the strain of my IT band and so I once again scaled back my runs but included some cross training. In January I lined up for the PF Chang marathon in Phoenix and felt pretty healthy although my preparation again suffered in the six weeks since the Tucson marathon.
So a couple of weeks ago, just a month before my final marathon of the set, my body once again protested my long run. I felt a pain in my achilles heel on my left foot. Once again I was forced to reduce my running and try to heal my heel. Then just a week ago I caught a bug and fell sick. For the last week I have come home from work, drank some Nyquil and laid on the couch, resting my body and heel. Finally after a week I thought I was feeling better and with the stress of another ill prepared marathon just two weeks away, I woke up this morning with the plan to run between 13-16 miles.
As a started my run I could feel that whatever has causing me to cough for the last week hasn't fully gone away. With a stuffy nose and pressure on my chest I tried to breathe as best as I could during my run. I struggled this morning for the first ten miles or so. Then about ten miles into my run the dull pain in my heel that I had felt the entire run became more severe. My long run had gone from bad to worse and I realized I needed to debate the prospect of switching to a half in two weeks or pushing for my quest for three.
As I thought about it I realized an important lesson. My first inclination was to run the full regardless, and if I suffered through it I would suffer but I would accomplish my goal. The downside of that would be what if I couldn't physically finish it or if I injured myself so much that I ruined my future running goals? I thought about if I didn't run the full, who would I disappoint? Quickly I realized that if I didn't reach my goal of three in 90 days the only person who would be disappointed would be me. I wouldn't be letting down my family, or my friends, I felt it was me that would be let down. That was the thought that began to really bother me, not that fact that I wouldn't reach my goal, the fact that I would be upset with myself about it.
That's when I realized that maybe not reaching my goal could actually be the best thing for me. Last summer when the goal was set a picture entered my mind. A picture of me crossing the finish line after the third marathon and reaching my goal. Now I worry that if the dream doesn't become a reality then I have failed in some way. Could I learn to accept my limitations, to embrace the struggle, to postpone the dream for another time, or even change the dream all together? Would I not be happy with the fact that during this winter I will have completed two marathons and a half? That I accomplished the true goal of getting off the couch and feeling numb to the world and getting out running? Maybe that it why I struggle to find happiness in my daily life anyway, because when I was young I dreamed of what my future would hold and my life doesn't look like that dream. Maybe if I could accept that my goals and dreams have changed I would be happier in life.
Maybe today's run sucked because the universe is trying to teach me to find happiness in what I have accomplished not in what I haven't accomplished. Maybe switching to a half and resting some more will bring me more happiness than struggling through a painful full marathon to accomplish a goal that I set on myself.
Today's run was a bad run, and it made me happy.
