The Roller-Coaster

It's really interesting to me the evolution of this blog. When I first started, it was more about being silly, though I believe the "Penguin Conspiracy". Then it turned into me telling the story of the rollercoaster ride that is my life.

Today I write serious, deep and personal stuff. I realized in writing this I am not writing so much for others but for myself.

I will honestly say that on more than one occasion I have considered ending the blog. Sometimes I feel like it doesn't matter what I write. I feel like my writing has gone from funny to depressing. I don't want people to think that I am constantly depressed because I am not. I will say that I am not constantly happy.

There is so much about life that I am trying to figure out, which is frustrating for a 37 year old man. Maybe I will be 74 and still trying to figure it all out, and maybe I never will. I have been doing a lot of reading and pondering this past week or so. I have been doing a lot of talking with God as well. I love the line from Rudy when the priest said that he has learned two things in his life: "one, there is a God and two, I am not Him"

That is pretty much where my pondering and praying has gotten me. I have learned a couple of other things this week though that I am hoping will change my life, or at least the way I see my life.

I always had in my minds eye how I thought my life should be and I focused not on what I had but what I didn't have. I constantly have questioned God and His plan for my life. I have often become frustrated because I didn't understand why things happen the way they did or how things would turn out. I guess what it boils down to is that I haven't been trusting God. I spent some time this week reading about this spiritual law called the "Law of Detachment". Basically it says "Let go and let God". Essentially what it comes down to is trusting God, or the Universe, that everything happens for my good.

It's really difficult for me right now to explain why trusting God has been, and still is, difficult for me. A lot of it has do with my relationship with Him and believing that I am only loved when I do what I am "suppose" to do. I am coming to realize that my perception of what makes me "worthy" has been skewed by a number of experiences in my life. So now I am trying to correct all of that and to be okay with you I am.

In my poem "This is Me", I wrote about how I feel weak and vulnerable. I have always seen that as a flaw. I have always been guarded and afraid to open up. Maybe that is the real reason my blog has gone from silly to serious. I am learning to open up, to let the whole world know who I am. I can't say why I started to write the things I have, in the past I wouldn't want anyone to know my pain and my struggles. Maybe because so many people are finding out about my pain anyways I felt it didn't matter. Maybe it was because I wanted people to know my pain so they could tell me it was all right, that I was okay, that I was loved.

What I realized this week is that as nice as it that people tell me that they love me, and that I a good person, none of that matters unless I can accept myself for who I am. That is where I am at now, learning to accept me for me. That is okay that I struggle, it's okay that I am not perfect. I know others have always accepted me for who I am, but I never have accepted me. People have told me many times what a nice guy I am, or that I am smart, or that I am loved and so on. I never could believe it, I couldn't accept it. No matter who said or how often. Ever since I was little I believed some negative thoughts about myself. Now it's time to change all that.

A few months ago I had little hope for myself, for my future. I think I began to just shut down mentally. I can't really explain it but it's like I was just living. I even stopped running. I think in a way I was punishing myself, thinking I didn't deserve to be happy and not trusting in God that my life would turn around.

I still don't have all the answers and I won't tell you that I am magically better. I think all this will take some time to process and to change. I am working hard to trust God and to learn to love me for who I am, not who I think I should have been.

If anyone is still reading this, I will let you know how this is working out.

One in a million

I haven't been keeping up with posting very often and for that I apologize. So just to keep things moving, here is another poem I wrote awhile back.


One in a million

A million thoughts run through my head
of a million words I left unsaid
Out of a million I wish there were some
Some of those million could be undone

A million paths I didn't take
A million choices I didn't make
I can't help but think what might have been
If I had just one in a million to do again.

The Last Month

I know it has been a long time since I last posted. I am still alive, I promise. Stuff happened, I just didn't find the type to blog. Maybe now that "busy season" at work is over for the next few months I will have more time to live and to type.

I can't really recount everything that happened...it was a busy month. The biggest change was the death of Yoda. For those of you who don't know, my little green Kia Rio was named Yoda. He was small, old and green. He was a friend that got me to work and home. He had problems, no doubt, but he was my friend. One morning on my way to work, I pulled out on to a main road and got smashed right on the driver side. Other than some scrapes and bruises I was OK. Yoda was not. He was still able to drive, barely. It would have cost me a lot of money to try to save him and he never would be the same. I found a place that would take him, and use what they could, a car organ donor if you will.

With the passing of Yoda came the need for a new vehicle. Unfortunately I can't get to work without a vehicle and the public transportation system in Phoenix is...well let's say it's not NYC. Anyway, after a short search I adopted Sandy. She is a PT Cruiser, a car that belongs at the beach. (Hence the name...that and she was born in LA in July, not because of my obsession of Sandra Bullock). Sandy is lovely and I have enjoyed her company.

Besides all that, things are what they are. I've been working on my poetry though I have nothing to share at this time. I have had some more time to think and we will see what becomes of that. I will try to keep it shorter between posts.