It's been a quite the week for me. Wise men say that everything happens for a reason, but that doesn't makes life any easier, but those moments when you actually figure out the reason usually feel pretty good.
Those who read my last post know that last weekend I had a long run of 20 miles and when I ran it, I didn't finish in the time I wanted to finish in, which led me to feel frustrated. Well, on top of my frustrating run, on Sunday night I got sick. I felt so bad that I barely slept Sunday night and Monday night wasn't much better. I missed my Tuesday run and my Wednesday cross training.
Not only was I feeling sick but I was also feel quite depressed. I am not sure if they were related but for a few days, I was miserable. On Wednesday night I decided it didn't matter how I felt the next day, I was going to run. I didn't care if I collapsed a mile into my run, I was going to run. Luckily I was feeling about 90% on Thursday so that night I went for a run. My plan was to run 8 miles, I wasn't going to worry about my time, I was just going to run and to enjoy it.
A very wise young boy once told me that if I wanted to be happier as an adult, that I should try doing the things that made me happy as a child. As I was running on Thursday I was thinking how much I love running and how I felt free and happy. I recalled how much fun it was to run and play as a kid. I enjoyed my run and my time was fine. What I learned from not being able to run, was that for the past few weeks I have become so focused on "training" for my marathon that I had forgotten why I started running in the first place. The times when I enjoy running the most isn't when I am worried about my pace or my distance, it's when I leave my worries at home and run because it makes me happy.
I didn't run last night because I got home late from having pizza and pie with Theresa and the kids. So this morning I decided I would run and I set out without a care in the world. I took my water and my bank card and had no distance, course or time in mind. I was going to run where I wanted, at the pace I wanted, and for as long as I wanted. It felt great.
As I was running today I was thinking about how much I have gotten into running. Some people think I have become addicted to running. Others tell my I am obsessed with running. I was wondering today if there is a difference and which one I am. I spend a lot of time running and when I am not running, I am generally reading about it. I read books, blogs and magazines about running. I am learning about nutrition, anatomy, anthropology and history. I have started putting chia seeds in my lemonade and my toes just look plain aweful.
So which is it...addiction or obsession? To me the question is the same question I have posed to myself before...am I running to something or from something? To me an addiction is usually associated with people running from something, some kind of pain or sorrow and it is usually negative. Think about it, drug addiction, alcohol addiction, and so on. They are not healthy and usually the result of a pain the person is dealing with. To me an obsession is the opposite. Keep in mind, I am no Webster dictionary so this is just my thoughts. To me an obsession is when people are searching for something, an answer to a question, a purpose to their life or something else. They become so involved in looking for the answer their life revolves around this one thing.
So, am I running from something, or towards something? The answer is both. I am both addicted to running and obsessed with running. When I run, I forget the past, I am only in the moment and that makes me feel good, like an addict. I need to run, when I get stressed what I think about is going running. When I get depressed, I think about going running. When I am out there, nothing else matters, nothing else exists. My name is Jeff, and I am a runner.
I am also running towards something. Something important in my life, I am running towards enlightenment. I am obsessed because when I run, I find answers to who I am. I am finding myself out there. What I have learned over the past year is that this person that I am is made up of three parts...mind, body and spirit. When I run, I don't run alone, usually. When one is missing the rest suffer. Running help all three parts work together and work in order...spirit, then mind, then body. When I am running I don't listen to headphones and I like it that way. I like to hear myself breath, I like to hear the birds, I like to hear nothing. In those moments, spirit, mind and body can communicate. I start to understand life, my life. Since I started running I have started to believe in myself in ways I don't think I could have ever believed without running. When I read about running, I am learning about my spirit, my mind and my body. Yes, I am obsessed with running.
So I talk about running and obviously I blog about running, but it is more than that. This obsession and this addiction is changing who I am. This blog is about my "Self-development". Running is doing that, it is changing me not just physically but also mentally and spiritually. I realize that concept may be hard for others to understand, it is hard for me to understand. But that is why I will stay obsessed, that is why I will keep running. In the end, I am running towards finding what I am looking for. I won't stop running until I find it, it's too important.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Five weeks and counting.
Well it's been a couple weeks or so since my last post, I suppose it is time for an update.
Five weeks and counting until my first marathon attempt. I am both excited and nervous. Ordinarily five weeks would seem far off, but I know it's just around the corner and it will get here fast. I am nervouse because I feel like I have put a lot of training into this one day, I hope it goes well. I guess I shouldn't worry too much about it and I should just try to enjoy life.
Last week I was pretty worried because my longest training run is "only" 20 miles and I was thinking how in the world can I run 26.2 miles on race day when I have only run 20 miles. I've read a lot about it and every training program I found had the longest run of 20 miles. The theory is that a couple of weeks before the race you start to taper off and run less miles each week. This way you will be well rested come race day and that, along with some adreline, is suppose to push you the extra 6.2 miles. Sounds good in theory but does it work?
Well last week I had a chance to put it to the test, sort of. I was feeling sick and so I skipped my normal Thursday & Friday runs, and skipped my Wednesday and Saturday cross training. Then I got up Sunday to do a 17 mile long run. I had the best long run. I couldn't help but think there must be something to this tapering. That Sunday I couldn't wait to get up and get moving again.
Today's long run of 20 miles didn't go as well as I would have liked. My goal was to complete the 20 miles in about 3hrs 11 minutes. I got to my 10 mile turn around point right on pace but I just wasn't feeling it. By the time I got to mile 16, I was struggling. The last couple of miles it was all I could do to keep going but I did. I finished about 6 minutes behind my goal time, which isn't all that bad considering a 20 mile run.
On my way back home I was thinking about what went "wrong", why was it so tough? What did this mean for my marathon goal time? I was starting to think I had failed some how. The more I though about it the more I realized that I hadn't failed, I couldn't fail...it was a TRAINING run. We're talking about practice. Suddenly I become thankful for the struggle because I can look at it and figure out how to improve. I can tell you that I didn't eat very well the day before my run. I also put more up more miles this week (35) then I had any other week, and on my shorter runs I pushed myself pretty hard. It's no wonder that miles 32-35 this week were tough.
I am reading this book about Ultra-marathoners, these people that run races around 100 miles. One women was talking about the struggle of training runs (which makes 20 miles seem like a jog in the park) and she said she enjoys the struggle because each time she fights "the beast" she is better able to handle it. So I should be glad that today's run was tough because I came out on the other side. (Of course that's were my car was parked so I had to get there eventually)
So what I learned this week is that some runs feel better than others, but they are all good because each one makes me stronger, both physically and mentally. I guess life is like that as well, we have highs and lows but there is always something to be learned. I tell you what, I will appreciate those faster long runs now.
I have another 20 mile training run scheduled in two weeks, it will be last one. (I moved it from Sunday to Saturday because of Christmas) I hope to make it a good one.
Five weeks and counting until my first marathon attempt. I am both excited and nervous. Ordinarily five weeks would seem far off, but I know it's just around the corner and it will get here fast. I am nervouse because I feel like I have put a lot of training into this one day, I hope it goes well. I guess I shouldn't worry too much about it and I should just try to enjoy life.
Last week I was pretty worried because my longest training run is "only" 20 miles and I was thinking how in the world can I run 26.2 miles on race day when I have only run 20 miles. I've read a lot about it and every training program I found had the longest run of 20 miles. The theory is that a couple of weeks before the race you start to taper off and run less miles each week. This way you will be well rested come race day and that, along with some adreline, is suppose to push you the extra 6.2 miles. Sounds good in theory but does it work?
Well last week I had a chance to put it to the test, sort of. I was feeling sick and so I skipped my normal Thursday & Friday runs, and skipped my Wednesday and Saturday cross training. Then I got up Sunday to do a 17 mile long run. I had the best long run. I couldn't help but think there must be something to this tapering. That Sunday I couldn't wait to get up and get moving again.
Today's long run of 20 miles didn't go as well as I would have liked. My goal was to complete the 20 miles in about 3hrs 11 minutes. I got to my 10 mile turn around point right on pace but I just wasn't feeling it. By the time I got to mile 16, I was struggling. The last couple of miles it was all I could do to keep going but I did. I finished about 6 minutes behind my goal time, which isn't all that bad considering a 20 mile run.
On my way back home I was thinking about what went "wrong", why was it so tough? What did this mean for my marathon goal time? I was starting to think I had failed some how. The more I though about it the more I realized that I hadn't failed, I couldn't fail...it was a TRAINING run. We're talking about practice. Suddenly I become thankful for the struggle because I can look at it and figure out how to improve. I can tell you that I didn't eat very well the day before my run. I also put more up more miles this week (35) then I had any other week, and on my shorter runs I pushed myself pretty hard. It's no wonder that miles 32-35 this week were tough.
I am reading this book about Ultra-marathoners, these people that run races around 100 miles. One women was talking about the struggle of training runs (which makes 20 miles seem like a jog in the park) and she said she enjoys the struggle because each time she fights "the beast" she is better able to handle it. So I should be glad that today's run was tough because I came out on the other side. (Of course that's were my car was parked so I had to get there eventually)
So what I learned this week is that some runs feel better than others, but they are all good because each one makes me stronger, both physically and mentally. I guess life is like that as well, we have highs and lows but there is always something to be learned. I tell you what, I will appreciate those faster long runs now.
I have another 20 mile training run scheduled in two weeks, it will be last one. (I moved it from Sunday to Saturday because of Christmas) I hope to make it a good one.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
The long weekend and the long run.
What a Thanksgiving weekend. I can't remember that last time I had four full days off for the Thanksgiving weekend, for that I am thankful.
On Thanksgiving I had the pleasure of running a 10K race in Mesa in the morning which for me is fun. My sister also ran the race which was awesome, her first race ever and she did great. The rest of the day was filled with food and family and was quite nice. That night I went over to Wal-Mart to experience a piece of Black Friday. I felt like one of those guys that goes outside to see a hurricane. I felt like I would have been safer somewhere else but watching the chaos was both exciting and scary.
Today my running schedule had me run a 20 miler. Now I don't have a fancy GPS watch that will tell me how far I have gone, what my pace is, and all that other stuff that would be great to know. I go old school. I map out my route using either Dailymile.com or Runnersworld.com (I guess that part isn't old school), then I head out with my stop watch. For most of my regular routes, I know where the mile marks are so I can figure my pace, but for my long runs it is more difficult. This weeks long run had me run along the canal for nearly 10 miles then loop around a neighborhood before heading back. I knew where most my mile marks were but not all.
As I reached my turn around point I had trouble remembering which street it was that I was suppose to loop around. I thought I had it but when the street didn't go the way I thought it was suppose to, I turned around and heading back. My problem then became, did I run too far or too little? As I approached what I knew was suppose to be mile 14, I realized I was behind my pace. I didn't know if it was because I went too far, or if I was just running too slow, so I did what anyone would do, I sped up. As I approached what I knew should have been mile 16, I was back to my goal pace and I kept it up from there. I actually finished a couple of minutes ahead of my goal pace but it was a struggle.
When I got home I looked at my route and realized I had gone further than I was suppose to. I mapped the route I took and discovered that instead of running 20 miles, I ran 20.65 miles, and at a pretty darn good pace. I have another 20 miler scheduled in a few weeks, next time I will not forget where to turn around.
I don't want this post to be too long but there is something I came across in my reading this week that I have been meaning to write about. I think I will add it in a seperate post. The more I try to figure it out the more complicated it becomes.
Today as I was running I was thinking about some of the pain that I have been feeling in my life. It was a beautiful morning and the more I thought, the more I wanted to run. Then the thought came to me...Am I running away from something, or am I running towards something? I don't know for sure, I just know I am running, and I know if makes me happy.
On Thanksgiving I had the pleasure of running a 10K race in Mesa in the morning which for me is fun. My sister also ran the race which was awesome, her first race ever and she did great. The rest of the day was filled with food and family and was quite nice. That night I went over to Wal-Mart to experience a piece of Black Friday. I felt like one of those guys that goes outside to see a hurricane. I felt like I would have been safer somewhere else but watching the chaos was both exciting and scary.
Today my running schedule had me run a 20 miler. Now I don't have a fancy GPS watch that will tell me how far I have gone, what my pace is, and all that other stuff that would be great to know. I go old school. I map out my route using either Dailymile.com or Runnersworld.com (I guess that part isn't old school), then I head out with my stop watch. For most of my regular routes, I know where the mile marks are so I can figure my pace, but for my long runs it is more difficult. This weeks long run had me run along the canal for nearly 10 miles then loop around a neighborhood before heading back. I knew where most my mile marks were but not all.
As I reached my turn around point I had trouble remembering which street it was that I was suppose to loop around. I thought I had it but when the street didn't go the way I thought it was suppose to, I turned around and heading back. My problem then became, did I run too far or too little? As I approached what I knew was suppose to be mile 14, I realized I was behind my pace. I didn't know if it was because I went too far, or if I was just running too slow, so I did what anyone would do, I sped up. As I approached what I knew should have been mile 16, I was back to my goal pace and I kept it up from there. I actually finished a couple of minutes ahead of my goal pace but it was a struggle.
When I got home I looked at my route and realized I had gone further than I was suppose to. I mapped the route I took and discovered that instead of running 20 miles, I ran 20.65 miles, and at a pretty darn good pace. I have another 20 miler scheduled in a few weeks, next time I will not forget where to turn around.
I don't want this post to be too long but there is something I came across in my reading this week that I have been meaning to write about. I think I will add it in a seperate post. The more I try to figure it out the more complicated it becomes.
Today as I was running I was thinking about some of the pain that I have been feeling in my life. It was a beautiful morning and the more I thought, the more I wanted to run. Then the thought came to me...Am I running away from something, or am I running towards something? I don't know for sure, I just know I am running, and I know if makes me happy.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Official Press Release
First of all I want to thank those of you who are readers of my blog. I am amazed at the number of people who visit and share with me their comments. When I started this blog it began as something silly but has become something much more. For me it has become a way for me to express who I am and what I feel. Things I have never been comfortable sharing before. When I blog, I hope that those of you reading will be able to understand me and I hope that my words can add some value, or some insight that is useful. I am not looking to change the world, but only to change me. If that helps someone else, then I will be happy with that.
I HAVE SOME NEWS:
As many of you know, I enjoy running, and a little over a year ago I ran the San Francisco Half-Marathon. At the time the thought of running 13.1 miles through the streets of San Francisco seemed a challenge almost too much to accomplish for me. I took it on, and I completed my goal. Since that time I have had a desire to run a full marathon and have been training to do so.
I am pleased to announce that I have officially committed for the PF Chang Phoenix Marathon that will take place this January. My training has been going well and I look forward to completing the first of what I hope to be many marathons.
I know many people will question why a human would have the desire to pay money to run 26.2 miles, especially through the streets of Phoenix.
The reason, my reason, was summed up in the book 50/50 by Dean Karnazes, when he explained what it is that drives some people to run marathons. For me it isn’t about winning the race, it’s more about running the race. To me, this is the reason: “Crossing a marathon finish line for the first time is a life-changing moment. In doing it, you prove something to yourself that can never be taken away. You walk away with hard, experiential evidence that you are strong, resilient, and gutsy.” He continues, “Don’t we spend enough time of our lives doubting ourselves, thinking we are not good enough, not strong enough, not made of the right stuff? The marathon gives you an opportunity to tackle these doubts head-on.”
He goes on but I think you get the point. For me, a marathon will not be easy, I know that, and that is what drives me. My reason, or perhaps just one of my reasons, is to prove to myself that I am strong, not just physically but also mentally. To prove to myself that I am resilient and that I can push through the struggles, the hurt and the pain to reach my goal. My reason is to prove to myself that I can reach my goals, if I sacrifice, work hard and keep moving.
I use to think of running a marathon as something crazy, now it seems like the most sane thing I will ever do. Like many choices in my life, it is one I wish I had made long ago, but now is the time for me. I don’t expect to be the first to cross the finish line, but when I do cross the finish line I will be a winner. This marathon is a huge part of the growth that I am longing for in my life. I look forward to the challenge.
I thank all of you for your support and your encouragement. Not just in my running, but in my life. So many times I have thought it too tough to keep moving through life, but knowing that I have the support of so many people pushed me through. Thank you!
I HAVE SOME NEWS:
As many of you know, I enjoy running, and a little over a year ago I ran the San Francisco Half-Marathon. At the time the thought of running 13.1 miles through the streets of San Francisco seemed a challenge almost too much to accomplish for me. I took it on, and I completed my goal. Since that time I have had a desire to run a full marathon and have been training to do so.
I am pleased to announce that I have officially committed for the PF Chang Phoenix Marathon that will take place this January. My training has been going well and I look forward to completing the first of what I hope to be many marathons.
I know many people will question why a human would have the desire to pay money to run 26.2 miles, especially through the streets of Phoenix.
The reason, my reason, was summed up in the book 50/50 by Dean Karnazes, when he explained what it is that drives some people to run marathons. For me it isn’t about winning the race, it’s more about running the race. To me, this is the reason: “Crossing a marathon finish line for the first time is a life-changing moment. In doing it, you prove something to yourself that can never be taken away. You walk away with hard, experiential evidence that you are strong, resilient, and gutsy.” He continues, “Don’t we spend enough time of our lives doubting ourselves, thinking we are not good enough, not strong enough, not made of the right stuff? The marathon gives you an opportunity to tackle these doubts head-on.”
He goes on but I think you get the point. For me, a marathon will not be easy, I know that, and that is what drives me. My reason, or perhaps just one of my reasons, is to prove to myself that I am strong, not just physically but also mentally. To prove to myself that I am resilient and that I can push through the struggles, the hurt and the pain to reach my goal. My reason is to prove to myself that I can reach my goals, if I sacrifice, work hard and keep moving.
I use to think of running a marathon as something crazy, now it seems like the most sane thing I will ever do. Like many choices in my life, it is one I wish I had made long ago, but now is the time for me. I don’t expect to be the first to cross the finish line, but when I do cross the finish line I will be a winner. This marathon is a huge part of the growth that I am longing for in my life. I look forward to the challenge.
I thank all of you for your support and your encouragement. Not just in my running, but in my life. So many times I have thought it too tough to keep moving through life, but knowing that I have the support of so many people pushed me through. Thank you!
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
I chose to run
I haven't posted in a couple of weeks. It's quite late right now and I am quite certain I should be asleep, but I felt the need to write tonight. I have had a lot on my mind this past week and tonight it seems I have even more. I decided this morning before I left for work that tonight I was going to clean and organize a little bit. As I was doing so I came across a "box of memories" if you will and I began to go through it.
Sometimes I feel like a young kid and other times I feel like an old man. As I looked through the items in this box, I was reminded of the good times as well as the bad. I have seen and done a lot of things in my life, some of which I am proud of, some of which I am not.
Let me tell you about my run on Friday night and maybe this will help explain just how I am feeling tonight. Some time ago I moved my runs (except my Sunday "long runs") to the evenings, which I really enjoy. I don't feel rushed and I don't have to get up at insane hours to get my run in before getting ready for work. Last Friday I was scheduled to run a "short" four mile run. On the way to work there was talk of a potential dust storm later that day, followed by much cooler and wetter weather. Sure enough as I walked out of work Friday, the sky was filled with dust and the wind was blowing hard.
I debated what I should do, should I skip my run or should I wait to see if the wind dies down before the rain comes? Should I try to run tomorrow knowing it can't rain all day? (Not in Arizona, at least). I decided against all that, I chose to run.
I got home and put on my shoes and headed out into the dust storm. After all, it was only four miles. As I started out the wind was at my back and I felt pretty good. Then as I turned a corner, the wind was blowing a bit to my side, still not much of a problem and I was feeling good. Then I turned another corner and now I was running more into the wind. Dust and leaves blowing into my face and then a women was walking down the middle of the sidewalk and didn't bother to ever look up from her texting as I had to swerve off the sidewalk. Suddenly my run wasn't feeling as good as normal.
I made another turn and now was running straight into the wind when a pickup truck decided that stop signs are merely suggestions, even when people are in the crosswalk. I really started to think..."this is a terrible run, I should have stayed home". I was not having the nice relaxing time I typically enjoy when running. Then a thought came to my mind...I chose to run.
I decided to look on the positive side. Running into the wind was making me a stronger runner. I could enjoy the benefit of the wind when it was at my back, and the wind was making it nice a cool for me. Just the thought that I had the ability to run, made me feel a little better. As I made it back home, I once again felt good about my run and felt good that I chose to run.
I've been thinking this past week about that run, and about life. There are many religious, spiritual, and philosophical beliefs on where we came from and I am not here to debate all that. What I do believe is that I chose to live and I know I continue to choose to live. Just like my run, sometimes it seems that I am going with the wind, sometimes against the wind. Sometimes I have to watch out for obstacles that come my way. All of the adversity is there and will make me stronger, I just need to chose to see it.
As I was looking through the memories of times gone by, I remembered a lot of times when it seemed the wind was with me, and a lot of times when it seemed I was running against the wind. I may have finished my four miles on Friday but I still have a long way to go in life. There were times on Friday that all I could do is put my head down and move my feet. Sometimes life is that way. I just need to remember, I chose to live and I choose to live. Someday I will finish this run and make it back "home" and I will be a better, stronger person for pushing through.
Sometimes I feel like a young kid and other times I feel like an old man. As I looked through the items in this box, I was reminded of the good times as well as the bad. I have seen and done a lot of things in my life, some of which I am proud of, some of which I am not.
Let me tell you about my run on Friday night and maybe this will help explain just how I am feeling tonight. Some time ago I moved my runs (except my Sunday "long runs") to the evenings, which I really enjoy. I don't feel rushed and I don't have to get up at insane hours to get my run in before getting ready for work. Last Friday I was scheduled to run a "short" four mile run. On the way to work there was talk of a potential dust storm later that day, followed by much cooler and wetter weather. Sure enough as I walked out of work Friday, the sky was filled with dust and the wind was blowing hard.
I debated what I should do, should I skip my run or should I wait to see if the wind dies down before the rain comes? Should I try to run tomorrow knowing it can't rain all day? (Not in Arizona, at least). I decided against all that, I chose to run.
I got home and put on my shoes and headed out into the dust storm. After all, it was only four miles. As I started out the wind was at my back and I felt pretty good. Then as I turned a corner, the wind was blowing a bit to my side, still not much of a problem and I was feeling good. Then I turned another corner and now I was running more into the wind. Dust and leaves blowing into my face and then a women was walking down the middle of the sidewalk and didn't bother to ever look up from her texting as I had to swerve off the sidewalk. Suddenly my run wasn't feeling as good as normal.
I made another turn and now was running straight into the wind when a pickup truck decided that stop signs are merely suggestions, even when people are in the crosswalk. I really started to think..."this is a terrible run, I should have stayed home". I was not having the nice relaxing time I typically enjoy when running. Then a thought came to my mind...I chose to run.
I decided to look on the positive side. Running into the wind was making me a stronger runner. I could enjoy the benefit of the wind when it was at my back, and the wind was making it nice a cool for me. Just the thought that I had the ability to run, made me feel a little better. As I made it back home, I once again felt good about my run and felt good that I chose to run.
I've been thinking this past week about that run, and about life. There are many religious, spiritual, and philosophical beliefs on where we came from and I am not here to debate all that. What I do believe is that I chose to live and I know I continue to choose to live. Just like my run, sometimes it seems that I am going with the wind, sometimes against the wind. Sometimes I have to watch out for obstacles that come my way. All of the adversity is there and will make me stronger, I just need to chose to see it.
As I was looking through the memories of times gone by, I remembered a lot of times when it seemed the wind was with me, and a lot of times when it seemed I was running against the wind. I may have finished my four miles on Friday but I still have a long way to go in life. There were times on Friday that all I could do is put my head down and move my feet. Sometimes life is that way. I just need to remember, I chose to live and I choose to live. Someday I will finish this run and make it back "home" and I will be a better, stronger person for pushing through.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Feeling Pain
Well, my last post was about finding happiness, today's post is about feeling pain.
Don't worry, I am not talking emotional pain, this time I am talking physical pain.
As part of my marathon training program, I have been increasing my weekly miles. So long to short runs of 3 miles. Much to my joy, I have also been able to increase my pace times. In fact, I recalculated some of my routes because I couldn't believe that I was running them at that pace. However, after last weeks long run, I noticed a dull pain in my right foot. I didn't think much of it at the time.
To be quite honest, my feet have all sorts of issues since I have increased my milage. I won't get into details, lets just say they looked like they have been used. So this dull pain seemed to effect me in the mornings when getting out of bed and then it wasn't too bad. I moved my runs to the evenings to better fit my schedule. When I did my run on Tuesday, I noticed the pain as I started but it seemed to go away until I was done with my run. Then it hurt. The same thing happened on Wednesday run and then Friday. Between those three runs I did 18 miles and my times were great. Then today I had a "fallback" week were my long run was only to be 9 miles before I increase to 14 next weekend.
As I started out this morning the pain was still in my foot and still dull. That is until I made a sharp right turn at about 6.5 miles in. The dull pain turned to a sharp pain, a very sharp pain. I figured I was still 2.5 miles from home so I tried to run through it but I couldn't. I hobbled a short way until I found a bench. I rested for a few minutes then tried to run again. The pain was too much. After a long walk back home, I took of my shoe to determine that my foot was now showing signs of swelling.
Those of you who know me, know that my primary care doctor goes by the name of Dr. Web MD. Yes I prefer to get medical advice online instead of making that co-pay. However, Dr Web didn't have much insight so I seached out a specialist. After extensive research I determined that what I have is peroneal tendonitis. As much as it kills me, I think I need to take at least a week off from running.
It's frustrating to think that as things started going really well, I was hit with this set-back. However, there is a lesson or two for me to learn here. First, I should have paid closer attention to the dull pain before it became a sharp pain. During my research I learned exactly why it went from a dull to sharp pain and I could have prevented that. Second, I have to learn to adapt and move on. Just because I can't run this week doesn't mean I still can't cross train and get in some good workouts. This set-back doesn't have to be a big deal. I am going out of town this week so it may be easier to cross train then find someplace to run 6 or 7 miles.
I have some stuff to put on it to help it heal (No, I didn't get it from Barry Bonds, it's legit) so hopefully I will be back to running soon. I love to run, so it will be a tough week but I will survive.
Don't worry, I am not talking emotional pain, this time I am talking physical pain.
As part of my marathon training program, I have been increasing my weekly miles. So long to short runs of 3 miles. Much to my joy, I have also been able to increase my pace times. In fact, I recalculated some of my routes because I couldn't believe that I was running them at that pace. However, after last weeks long run, I noticed a dull pain in my right foot. I didn't think much of it at the time.
To be quite honest, my feet have all sorts of issues since I have increased my milage. I won't get into details, lets just say they looked like they have been used. So this dull pain seemed to effect me in the mornings when getting out of bed and then it wasn't too bad. I moved my runs to the evenings to better fit my schedule. When I did my run on Tuesday, I noticed the pain as I started but it seemed to go away until I was done with my run. Then it hurt. The same thing happened on Wednesday run and then Friday. Between those three runs I did 18 miles and my times were great. Then today I had a "fallback" week were my long run was only to be 9 miles before I increase to 14 next weekend.
As I started out this morning the pain was still in my foot and still dull. That is until I made a sharp right turn at about 6.5 miles in. The dull pain turned to a sharp pain, a very sharp pain. I figured I was still 2.5 miles from home so I tried to run through it but I couldn't. I hobbled a short way until I found a bench. I rested for a few minutes then tried to run again. The pain was too much. After a long walk back home, I took of my shoe to determine that my foot was now showing signs of swelling.
Those of you who know me, know that my primary care doctor goes by the name of Dr. Web MD. Yes I prefer to get medical advice online instead of making that co-pay. However, Dr Web didn't have much insight so I seached out a specialist. After extensive research I determined that what I have is peroneal tendonitis. As much as it kills me, I think I need to take at least a week off from running.
It's frustrating to think that as things started going really well, I was hit with this set-back. However, there is a lesson or two for me to learn here. First, I should have paid closer attention to the dull pain before it became a sharp pain. During my research I learned exactly why it went from a dull to sharp pain and I could have prevented that. Second, I have to learn to adapt and move on. Just because I can't run this week doesn't mean I still can't cross train and get in some good workouts. This set-back doesn't have to be a big deal. I am going out of town this week so it may be easier to cross train then find someplace to run 6 or 7 miles.
I have some stuff to put on it to help it heal (No, I didn't get it from Barry Bonds, it's legit) so hopefully I will be back to running soon. I love to run, so it will be a tough week but I will survive.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Finding Happiness
I have been thinking a lot about motivation and inspiration. It seems those two topics have showed themselves a lot to me the past week or so. I have been reading a book (yes I am still reading the same book) and it has gotten me thinking about a lot of things. I mentioned in my last blog about this book and the way the author explained why some people feel compelled to run marathons. It got me thinking about why people do other things, like climb mountains.
In my book the author explained that some people do these things because they want to prove to themselves that they can do them. It's not an ego thing, it's a self-confidence thing.
I have been thinking a lot about how over the past year and half or so, how I have really taken to running. It seems that running has been my outlet through everything that has happened. I think I am beginning to understand a little better why it makes me feel so good.
I think all of us experience what I have learned is called the "ego world". This is the world many of us live in, the world where we feel the expectations of others upon us. The world where we feel that we have to act the way others want us to act, or do the things others want us to do. They may not really want us to act this way or that way, or to do this or that, but in our ego minds we feel that they do. I have spent most of my life in this world and it's not an easy world to live in because I never felt that I was living the way others wanted me to, or doing what others wanted me to do. So I felt defeated most of my life. That's not to say anyone is to blame, it was just my perception of what was expected of me in this life.
I am learning to let go of this ego world, to live in another world, to live my "higher self". I know this may sound strange and maybe I am not explaining clearly but let me try. In living this higher self, I am learning to let go of the expectations of others. I am learning to live for myself, and not for others. I am learning to put my wants and needs ahead of the expecations of others. That's not to say that I am becoming selfish, but it is to say that I am learning that who I am is good enough for me and that is all that should matter.
So when I run there is no expectations of others. It is me, running free. I don't have to win a race, or beat a time. I decide for myself what is good and what isn't. I decide how far I want to go and if my pace was good or bad. I am not competing against anyone, not even myself. I am letting my higher self decide if my run was good or if I could improve. I am not running to impress anyone, I am running because it makes me feel good.
I want to be happy in life, that's all I ever wanted. The problem was that I always thought I had to fit a specific mold to "earn" that happiness. What I am finding out is, happiness isn't given to us from others, it is not earned, but it is found within ourselves. Sure, I am not always happy but I found that when I have had a rough day, there is something about running that makes me feel better. What I think is, that when I run, I run alone. I don't take ego with me, I run in another world so to speak.
I am not sure if this blog will make any sense to anyone else. I hope it does, I hope others can understand what I am beginning to understand. I am beginning to find happiness. I am not completely happy all the time but then if I was I suppose the "Jeff's self-development project" would be complete and I would have nothing else to blog about.
In my book the author explained that some people do these things because they want to prove to themselves that they can do them. It's not an ego thing, it's a self-confidence thing.
I have been thinking a lot about how over the past year and half or so, how I have really taken to running. It seems that running has been my outlet through everything that has happened. I think I am beginning to understand a little better why it makes me feel so good.
I think all of us experience what I have learned is called the "ego world". This is the world many of us live in, the world where we feel the expectations of others upon us. The world where we feel that we have to act the way others want us to act, or do the things others want us to do. They may not really want us to act this way or that way, or to do this or that, but in our ego minds we feel that they do. I have spent most of my life in this world and it's not an easy world to live in because I never felt that I was living the way others wanted me to, or doing what others wanted me to do. So I felt defeated most of my life. That's not to say anyone is to blame, it was just my perception of what was expected of me in this life.
I am learning to let go of this ego world, to live in another world, to live my "higher self". I know this may sound strange and maybe I am not explaining clearly but let me try. In living this higher self, I am learning to let go of the expectations of others. I am learning to live for myself, and not for others. I am learning to put my wants and needs ahead of the expecations of others. That's not to say that I am becoming selfish, but it is to say that I am learning that who I am is good enough for me and that is all that should matter.
So when I run there is no expectations of others. It is me, running free. I don't have to win a race, or beat a time. I decide for myself what is good and what isn't. I decide how far I want to go and if my pace was good or bad. I am not competing against anyone, not even myself. I am letting my higher self decide if my run was good or if I could improve. I am not running to impress anyone, I am running because it makes me feel good.
I want to be happy in life, that's all I ever wanted. The problem was that I always thought I had to fit a specific mold to "earn" that happiness. What I am finding out is, happiness isn't given to us from others, it is not earned, but it is found within ourselves. Sure, I am not always happy but I found that when I have had a rough day, there is something about running that makes me feel better. What I think is, that when I run, I run alone. I don't take ego with me, I run in another world so to speak.
I am not sure if this blog will make any sense to anyone else. I hope it does, I hope others can understand what I am beginning to understand. I am beginning to find happiness. I am not completely happy all the time but then if I was I suppose the "Jeff's self-development project" would be complete and I would have nothing else to blog about.
Monday, October 10, 2011
11 Miles of Thoughts
It's getting a little late and I should be thinking about going to bed, but I think I will blog instead. I am tired and a bit sore from yesterdays running. I woke up yesterday about 3:30am and went for my long run of 11 miles. I then came home, took a shower, grabbed some food and then went and ran a 5K Race for the Cure.
I didn't get a good nap in yesterday, though I did fall asleep for a bit watching a Sandra Bullock movie. You know I was tired if I feel asleep during Sandra.
All that running yesterday felt good. I was trying to figure out how I was going to manage my long run this weekend with a 5K charity event and having my boys stay over Friday night. I figured the only way was to do a "two-a-day". Yes, it was worth it.
I did a lot of thinking during my 11 mile run yesterday. I thought a lot about why it is that running a marathon is so important to me. For me it is not about telling the world "look what I can do" but it is about me telling myself "look what you can do".
A lot of times in my life I have gotten down on myself because I have felt that I wasn't what or who I was suppose to be. I had this preconceived notion of what my life was suppose to look like. What it was suppose to look like based on what I felt others wanted for me, or what I thought society told me I should be. During those times that I could not live up to that self-imposed expectations of perfection, I would come down on myself and feel that I wasn't what I should be.
I came to learn from my readings this past summer that this is what we call "ego", this belief that we are suppose to be what we, or others, believe we should be based on the world around us. I am working to learn to let go of ego, learning to not believe I should conform to some standard that others set for me.
I run because I can run. I run because it feels good to me and I now believe that it is OK for me to do the things that I want to do and not focus on the things that I believe I "need" to do. That's not to say that I can be irresponsible and just party all the time. It means that if I want to run a marathon, it doesn't matter what others say, I should do it. Others might think I am crazy, or that I am wasting my time and that I should focus on "more important" things. But the fact is that when I run, I feel good. I feel free and I feel relaxed.
I enjoy my time running, either with others or alone. I know running a marathon isn't for everyone, but it is for me. I don't know what will be next, if I will run more or move on to something else. But this is where I am at right now. I started running because I wanted to get into shape physically, but it has turned into something I do to help me mentally and emotionally. The physical benefits have become side-effects to why I continue to run, I run because mentally it feels good.
I didn't get a good nap in yesterday, though I did fall asleep for a bit watching a Sandra Bullock movie. You know I was tired if I feel asleep during Sandra.
All that running yesterday felt good. I was trying to figure out how I was going to manage my long run this weekend with a 5K charity event and having my boys stay over Friday night. I figured the only way was to do a "two-a-day". Yes, it was worth it.
I did a lot of thinking during my 11 mile run yesterday. I thought a lot about why it is that running a marathon is so important to me. For me it is not about telling the world "look what I can do" but it is about me telling myself "look what you can do".
A lot of times in my life I have gotten down on myself because I have felt that I wasn't what or who I was suppose to be. I had this preconceived notion of what my life was suppose to look like. What it was suppose to look like based on what I felt others wanted for me, or what I thought society told me I should be. During those times that I could not live up to that self-imposed expectations of perfection, I would come down on myself and feel that I wasn't what I should be.
I came to learn from my readings this past summer that this is what we call "ego", this belief that we are suppose to be what we, or others, believe we should be based on the world around us. I am working to learn to let go of ego, learning to not believe I should conform to some standard that others set for me.
I run because I can run. I run because it feels good to me and I now believe that it is OK for me to do the things that I want to do and not focus on the things that I believe I "need" to do. That's not to say that I can be irresponsible and just party all the time. It means that if I want to run a marathon, it doesn't matter what others say, I should do it. Others might think I am crazy, or that I am wasting my time and that I should focus on "more important" things. But the fact is that when I run, I feel good. I feel free and I feel relaxed.
I enjoy my time running, either with others or alone. I know running a marathon isn't for everyone, but it is for me. I don't know what will be next, if I will run more or move on to something else. But this is where I am at right now. I started running because I wanted to get into shape physically, but it has turned into something I do to help me mentally and emotionally. The physical benefits have become side-effects to why I continue to run, I run because mentally it feels good.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Feeling Good
So I felt like I should probably write tonight so here it goes.
It's been a long week already, mostly because I am working just north of Tucson this week and we have been commuting down each day. Yesterday there was a big accident on the I-10 due to one of our recurring dust storms and they closed the freeway between were I was and home. There aren't a lot of options to get from Tucson to Phoenix so it took my about an extra hour to get home last night.
I had spent the entire day working at the client by myself. I was looking forward to getting home and going for a run. I moved my workouts to the evening hours this week because I have to leave at about six in the morning to get to work by 8am. So I was so looking forward to my run but it seemed I would never get home. As I got closer so did the lightning and I was worried that I would have to cancel my run.
Being part ADHD (as diagnosed by my doctor...Doctor Web MD), part of me was worried that I would have to alter my schedule...heaven forbid I run my short run the next day instead of cross-training. But what really bothered me is that I wanted to run, I needed to run.
I started to read a book called "50/50" by Dean Karnazes who ran 50 marathons in 50 days in 50 states. It's an awesome book. But there is a chapter where he talks about running and how running isn't "fun". He says "Running isn't fun. It's too hard to be fun." And then he continues to explain: "I'm not saying that running doesn't feel good. It does feel good, in the way that any form of hard work feels good to those who have a taste for it. Running feels good to me the way writing feels good to a writer and operating feels good to a surgeon."
I loved that chapter, because some days I don't feel like getting started but I always feel better when I am done. Yesterday though, I couldn't wait to get started, I wanted to run.
So as soon as I got home, after 2.5 hours in the car, I changed, threw on my running shoes and headed out...storm approaching and all. I set out for a "short" 3 miler (I love how 3 miles has become a short and easy run for me) and about half way through the rain started and the lightning got closer. With about half a mile left the rain became more persistant and honestly...I loved it. If it wasn't for the lightning, I may have kept going. As soon as I reached the three mile mark just outside my apartment, the rain just let loose.
I then went and sat outside on my balcony and watched the light show and the rain. I felt good, in fact, I felt great. The weather is finally cooling down, and the wear and tear of the week was released from me. It felt good, I felt good.
When people ask what I did over the weekend and I tell them that I ran 11 miles or whatever, they ask me why. People think I am crazy and honestly before I read this book I probably didn't fully understand why I would get up at 3AM on a Sunday and go run so far. I enjoy it but it's true, it's not fun. For me it a time to "relax" and let go of my stress, and when I am done...no matter how much I may ache, I feel good.
It's been a long week already, mostly because I am working just north of Tucson this week and we have been commuting down each day. Yesterday there was a big accident on the I-10 due to one of our recurring dust storms and they closed the freeway between were I was and home. There aren't a lot of options to get from Tucson to Phoenix so it took my about an extra hour to get home last night.
I had spent the entire day working at the client by myself. I was looking forward to getting home and going for a run. I moved my workouts to the evening hours this week because I have to leave at about six in the morning to get to work by 8am. So I was so looking forward to my run but it seemed I would never get home. As I got closer so did the lightning and I was worried that I would have to cancel my run.
Being part ADHD (as diagnosed by my doctor...Doctor Web MD), part of me was worried that I would have to alter my schedule...heaven forbid I run my short run the next day instead of cross-training. But what really bothered me is that I wanted to run, I needed to run.
I started to read a book called "50/50" by Dean Karnazes who ran 50 marathons in 50 days in 50 states. It's an awesome book. But there is a chapter where he talks about running and how running isn't "fun". He says "Running isn't fun. It's too hard to be fun." And then he continues to explain: "I'm not saying that running doesn't feel good. It does feel good, in the way that any form of hard work feels good to those who have a taste for it. Running feels good to me the way writing feels good to a writer and operating feels good to a surgeon."
I loved that chapter, because some days I don't feel like getting started but I always feel better when I am done. Yesterday though, I couldn't wait to get started, I wanted to run.
So as soon as I got home, after 2.5 hours in the car, I changed, threw on my running shoes and headed out...storm approaching and all. I set out for a "short" 3 miler (I love how 3 miles has become a short and easy run for me) and about half way through the rain started and the lightning got closer. With about half a mile left the rain became more persistant and honestly...I loved it. If it wasn't for the lightning, I may have kept going. As soon as I reached the three mile mark just outside my apartment, the rain just let loose.
I then went and sat outside on my balcony and watched the light show and the rain. I felt good, in fact, I felt great. The weather is finally cooling down, and the wear and tear of the week was released from me. It felt good, I felt good.
When people ask what I did over the weekend and I tell them that I ran 11 miles or whatever, they ask me why. People think I am crazy and honestly before I read this book I probably didn't fully understand why I would get up at 3AM on a Sunday and go run so far. I enjoy it but it's true, it's not fun. For me it a time to "relax" and let go of my stress, and when I am done...no matter how much I may ache, I feel good.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Looking forward
So I have been doing some thinking...crazy I know. I was thinking about my future, about what I want out of life. I have learned more than once that you should always begin with the end in mind. I have done an exercise before where I have written my own obituary with the purpose of gaining insight into how I want to live my life. I am not prepared right now to do so but perhaps soon I will revisit that exercise.
As I was pondering this exercise I started to think that maybe one area in my life where I went wrong was that I didn't have a clear goal in life. I am not so sure I am making sense with this but let me try to illustrate.
For the most part, when I was in high school I was focused on enjoying the experience, playing sports, hanging with friends, and all the non-educational aspects of school. My goal was to endure through high school as best as I could. It wasn't until I was a senior that I started to think about what would be coming next. I scrabbled to put together a plan of what I wanted to be when I "grew up". However, because of my lack of planning and focus before, it made the accomplishment of that goal even harder. I didn't get my undergrad degree until 9 years after I graduated high school and then another five years to get my MBA. My career choice changed but I was able, finally, to obtain my degree which is what I really wanted.
My life has had the same pattern. I seem to be trying to "endure" as best as I can and not really planning things out. I know in my mind what I wanted my life to look like, but I never thought of how I would get there, or what it would take.
So as I begin in earnest this project of "self-development", I must first decide what I really want to develop into...what do I see for myself and how do I plan to get there.
I have some ideas which will be forthcoming.
As I was pondering this exercise I started to think that maybe one area in my life where I went wrong was that I didn't have a clear goal in life. I am not so sure I am making sense with this but let me try to illustrate.
For the most part, when I was in high school I was focused on enjoying the experience, playing sports, hanging with friends, and all the non-educational aspects of school. My goal was to endure through high school as best as I could. It wasn't until I was a senior that I started to think about what would be coming next. I scrabbled to put together a plan of what I wanted to be when I "grew up". However, because of my lack of planning and focus before, it made the accomplishment of that goal even harder. I didn't get my undergrad degree until 9 years after I graduated high school and then another five years to get my MBA. My career choice changed but I was able, finally, to obtain my degree which is what I really wanted.
My life has had the same pattern. I seem to be trying to "endure" as best as I can and not really planning things out. I know in my mind what I wanted my life to look like, but I never thought of how I would get there, or what it would take.
So as I begin in earnest this project of "self-development", I must first decide what I really want to develop into...what do I see for myself and how do I plan to get there.
I have some ideas which will be forthcoming.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Name Change
When I started this blog I thought it would be fun, I thought I would write satire and keep it light. It didn't seem like it took long before the tone began to change. It has been a place for me to write my true thoughts and feelings. It has become my journal.
I have written about my struggles and my joys. Sometimes I am amazed when I look at the stats and see the number of views this blog gets. I don't write for the stats, quite honestly I am not sure why I write other than to tell my story. That is where I derived my silly title..."The story of a boy, his pencil and his dreams".
I am not sure why so many of you keep reading this, but I want to give my blog a more defined purpose and a new title.
It has been a year since Theresa and I separated. It has been a difficult year, but it seems like there have been many years of my life that were difficult. As I mentioned in an earlier blog, I have spent countless nights, nights like this, where I couldn't sleep because my mind was too busy thinking. Those nights have been filled with me thinking of the ways I have failed, the moments I wish I could have back, and the things I knew then that I know now.
I can't change the past...I can't. And it doesn't matter how much I wish I could, I just can't. I also know that I can't give up on life, despite my feeling that I have failed so many people, I know that so many people still love and care about me.
I have tried to do right in the past, but feel like I have failed. I have felt like I was never good enough. I have tried to be the person that everyone else wanted my to be, or at least what I thought they wanted me to be. I had never felt comfortable with myself.
Several months ago I got on a kick and I started to read a lot of books, mostly "self-help" books. What I have learned is that I have spent my life trying to be what I thought others wanted me to be, I never figured out what I wanted to be. I feel like I never developed me. I really don't know if any of that makes sense but let me put it like this...I don't know who I really am. You know how people take time and hike through Europe to "find" themselves, that is what I need to do, I need to discover who I am, I need to "re-build" myself.
I want this blog to take on a new purpose, I want to chronicle my journey. I want to share the things I have learned, I don't know if it will be of any use to anyone else, but I need to do it. I need to find the man that I was meant to be, that I want to be. I have a hope that someday I will find true peace and inner happiness. I have a hope that I will someday be the person I want to be.
I have written about my struggles and my joys. Sometimes I am amazed when I look at the stats and see the number of views this blog gets. I don't write for the stats, quite honestly I am not sure why I write other than to tell my story. That is where I derived my silly title..."The story of a boy, his pencil and his dreams".
I am not sure why so many of you keep reading this, but I want to give my blog a more defined purpose and a new title.
It has been a year since Theresa and I separated. It has been a difficult year, but it seems like there have been many years of my life that were difficult. As I mentioned in an earlier blog, I have spent countless nights, nights like this, where I couldn't sleep because my mind was too busy thinking. Those nights have been filled with me thinking of the ways I have failed, the moments I wish I could have back, and the things I knew then that I know now.
I can't change the past...I can't. And it doesn't matter how much I wish I could, I just can't. I also know that I can't give up on life, despite my feeling that I have failed so many people, I know that so many people still love and care about me.
I have tried to do right in the past, but feel like I have failed. I have felt like I was never good enough. I have tried to be the person that everyone else wanted my to be, or at least what I thought they wanted me to be. I had never felt comfortable with myself.
Several months ago I got on a kick and I started to read a lot of books, mostly "self-help" books. What I have learned is that I have spent my life trying to be what I thought others wanted me to be, I never figured out what I wanted to be. I feel like I never developed me. I really don't know if any of that makes sense but let me put it like this...I don't know who I really am. You know how people take time and hike through Europe to "find" themselves, that is what I need to do, I need to discover who I am, I need to "re-build" myself.
I want this blog to take on a new purpose, I want to chronicle my journey. I want to share the things I have learned, I don't know if it will be of any use to anyone else, but I need to do it. I need to find the man that I was meant to be, that I want to be. I have a hope that someday I will find true peace and inner happiness. I have a hope that I will someday be the person I want to be.
I have changed the title of this blog to "Jeff's Self-Development Project". I thought of other titles but they were too long. I think this title sums up where the blog is going. It is time for me to re-build. It's time for me to stop living the life I have lived for so long and find true peace and happiness. I invite you, my faithful blog followers, on this journey with me.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Don't Give Up
So here I am in my apartment, going through boxes...not because I want to really but because I don't have cable as of yet and I am tired of working for today. I was going through the boxes of "stuff" that has been sitting in the garage for years and sorting out what I want to keep and what I can get rid of. Then there was the stuff that I didn't really "want" to keep but felt I probably should.
I came across a notepad I had from my days living in New York. It contained some of my notes, some poems I wrote and some general scribbles of information. Included in there was a list of a few poems and the authors. I looked some of them up and came across one that really hit me. So I am going to share with you.
Don't Give Up
by Phoebe Cary
If you tried and have not won,
Never stop for crying;
All that’s great and good is done
Just by patient trying.
Though young birds, in flying, fail,
Still their wings grow stronger;
And the next time they can stay
Up a little longer.
Though the sturdy oak has known
Many a blast that bowed her,
She has risen again, and grown
Loftier and prouder.
If by easy work you beat
Others, who will prize you?
Gaining victory from defeat -
That’s the test that tries you!
I think the last couple of lines really sum it up, "Gaining victory from defeat - that's the test that tries you". I trying to gain victory, honestly these days I am just trying to keep playing.
I came across a notepad I had from my days living in New York. It contained some of my notes, some poems I wrote and some general scribbles of information. Included in there was a list of a few poems and the authors. I looked some of them up and came across one that really hit me. So I am going to share with you.
Don't Give Up
by Phoebe Cary
If you tried and have not won,
Never stop for crying;
All that’s great and good is done
Just by patient trying.
Though young birds, in flying, fail,
Still their wings grow stronger;
And the next time they can stay
Up a little longer.
Though the sturdy oak has known
Many a blast that bowed her,
She has risen again, and grown
Loftier and prouder.
If by easy work you beat
Others, who will prize you?
Gaining victory from defeat -
That’s the test that tries you!
I think the last couple of lines really sum it up, "Gaining victory from defeat - that's the test that tries you". I trying to gain victory, honestly these days I am just trying to keep playing.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Moving...
I know it has been some time since my last blog. There is much to tell, maybe too much to tell. I am going to try to keep this one fairly short and fairly simple. There is a lot going through my mind right now and it would be far too much to put into one blog. I do want to go over just some of the key points.
The biggest news is that this weekend I finally moved into my own apartment. I am pretty sure that this is the first time in my life that I have lived completely alone, no roommates...just Jeff. The kids spent the night last night so it was a lot of fun. We ate pizza and watchied movies. Then today we we swimming. Needless to say I am tired.
It was about time that I move. Move out, move in, move on...whatever you want to call it. I needed to move or get moving. I have spent the last year in some sort of state of suspension. I spent countless nights laying awake thinking about my past. Wishing for one chance to go back and change things. I have spent a lot of time thinking about what point in time I would go back to and what I would change and how that change would carry forward through my life. What I have realized is that I can't go back, I can't change anything. This is where I am, this is my reality.
I spent a lot of time thinking about that and thinking about how life hadn't turned out as I had hoped, or how I had dreamed. I spent time thinking about my future and if it was even worth it to dream or hope for the future. I thought about just making it through life in a numb state, with no hope.
I decided that is not how I want to live my life. I recall a quote from the movie Rudy "Dreams are what make life tolerable". Sure life didn't go exactly the way I have wanted it to go, but life has had some pretty good moments for me as well. Moments that came because I wanted something good out of life. Moments like seeing the birth of my children and watching them grow before me into the awesome kids they are today. Countless moments when life seemed too perfect.
If I were to give up hope I would give up those moments of joy that I find between the hard times. So this weekend I moved. Not only into my own place, but I moved forward in life. Move forward, that's the only thing I can do.
I also am thinking about changing the name of my blog. Perhaps more details on that in the blogs to come. I hope to be able to write more often.
I am grateful for the love and support of my family and friends.
The biggest news is that this weekend I finally moved into my own apartment. I am pretty sure that this is the first time in my life that I have lived completely alone, no roommates...just Jeff. The kids spent the night last night so it was a lot of fun. We ate pizza and watchied movies. Then today we we swimming. Needless to say I am tired.
It was about time that I move. Move out, move in, move on...whatever you want to call it. I needed to move or get moving. I have spent the last year in some sort of state of suspension. I spent countless nights laying awake thinking about my past. Wishing for one chance to go back and change things. I have spent a lot of time thinking about what point in time I would go back to and what I would change and how that change would carry forward through my life. What I have realized is that I can't go back, I can't change anything. This is where I am, this is my reality.
I spent a lot of time thinking about that and thinking about how life hadn't turned out as I had hoped, or how I had dreamed. I spent time thinking about my future and if it was even worth it to dream or hope for the future. I thought about just making it through life in a numb state, with no hope.
I decided that is not how I want to live my life. I recall a quote from the movie Rudy "Dreams are what make life tolerable". Sure life didn't go exactly the way I have wanted it to go, but life has had some pretty good moments for me as well. Moments that came because I wanted something good out of life. Moments like seeing the birth of my children and watching them grow before me into the awesome kids they are today. Countless moments when life seemed too perfect.
If I were to give up hope I would give up those moments of joy that I find between the hard times. So this weekend I moved. Not only into my own place, but I moved forward in life. Move forward, that's the only thing I can do.
I also am thinking about changing the name of my blog. Perhaps more details on that in the blogs to come. I hope to be able to write more often.
I am grateful for the love and support of my family and friends.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Since last year
So it has been a while since my last post and even with that my posting rate has declined at a rapid pace. That is not to say that I have forgotten about all the readers of this fine blog, it's just I have been dealing with a lot lately.
The past two weekends I have been able to do my "long" runs with a friend of mine who is preparing to run the Detroit marathon in a few months. So last weekend we ran 11 miles together and yesterday we ran 9 miles. I couldn't help but think back to about a year and half ago when I could barely jog a quarter of mile. Now I am out running 11 miles for fun at 4:30am on a Saturday morning. Over the past few months my running has been irregular at best, but I am trying to be more consistent. I love to get out and run as it provides me with a sense of peace and relaxation.
Today in San Francisco they ran the 2011 marathon and half-marathon and I can't help but reflect on what high point it was in my life to have completed the half marathon there last year. In the past year, a lot has changed. I suppose I could look back at the year since that time and list of a number of things that have been "bad" since that time. I feel like my life has been a roller-coaster of highs and lows since then, and quite frankly more lows. Honestly though, I don't want to detail out my struggles and my pains of the past year.
What I will say is that I have learned a lot about myself in the past year. The challenges and struggles I have experienced have had their silver lining. They say that nothing worth having comes easy but I am left to wonder then what is the worth in the struggles. I think that is what I have been figuring out over the past several months in particular.
I think of it in terms of a forest fire. Sometimes the forest must go through a painful process of a fire in order to come back stronger and better then ever. Sure it may take years for the forest to fully recover, but it is better for it. I think my life has been like that, like a forest fire. I feel like I have lost everything over this past year. Now many people will look at a burnt forest and think what a shame but others will think of the beauty that will soon replace the charred scene. So it is with my life, I could sit here and feel pity and think of what was lost, or I can look forward to the future.
I will honestly tell you that it has been difficult for me to look forward with optimism at my future since the dreams I had earlier in life haven't quite played out. Over the past couple of months I have spent a lot of time reading and pondering and have learned a lot. Most of what I spent my time learning about wouldn't fit into a blog. It is one of the reasons that I haven't written as much on my blog lately, I have been writing on actual paper. I would like to share more with you and will when the time is right. What I have learned in very personal and I am still working through a lot of things.
Even though this past year has been a struggle for me, what I realized is how truly blessed I am. I am grateful for my friends and family. Sometimes I feel like I can't go anymore but because of those around me, I am motivated to continue on. I am determined to see this through.
The past two weekends I have been able to do my "long" runs with a friend of mine who is preparing to run the Detroit marathon in a few months. So last weekend we ran 11 miles together and yesterday we ran 9 miles. I couldn't help but think back to about a year and half ago when I could barely jog a quarter of mile. Now I am out running 11 miles for fun at 4:30am on a Saturday morning. Over the past few months my running has been irregular at best, but I am trying to be more consistent. I love to get out and run as it provides me with a sense of peace and relaxation.
Today in San Francisco they ran the 2011 marathon and half-marathon and I can't help but reflect on what high point it was in my life to have completed the half marathon there last year. In the past year, a lot has changed. I suppose I could look back at the year since that time and list of a number of things that have been "bad" since that time. I feel like my life has been a roller-coaster of highs and lows since then, and quite frankly more lows. Honestly though, I don't want to detail out my struggles and my pains of the past year.
What I will say is that I have learned a lot about myself in the past year. The challenges and struggles I have experienced have had their silver lining. They say that nothing worth having comes easy but I am left to wonder then what is the worth in the struggles. I think that is what I have been figuring out over the past several months in particular.
I think of it in terms of a forest fire. Sometimes the forest must go through a painful process of a fire in order to come back stronger and better then ever. Sure it may take years for the forest to fully recover, but it is better for it. I think my life has been like that, like a forest fire. I feel like I have lost everything over this past year. Now many people will look at a burnt forest and think what a shame but others will think of the beauty that will soon replace the charred scene. So it is with my life, I could sit here and feel pity and think of what was lost, or I can look forward to the future.
I will honestly tell you that it has been difficult for me to look forward with optimism at my future since the dreams I had earlier in life haven't quite played out. Over the past couple of months I have spent a lot of time reading and pondering and have learned a lot. Most of what I spent my time learning about wouldn't fit into a blog. It is one of the reasons that I haven't written as much on my blog lately, I have been writing on actual paper. I would like to share more with you and will when the time is right. What I have learned in very personal and I am still working through a lot of things.
Even though this past year has been a struggle for me, what I realized is how truly blessed I am. I am grateful for my friends and family. Sometimes I feel like I can't go anymore but because of those around me, I am motivated to continue on. I am determined to see this through.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
I am still alive.
Yes, I am still alive despite the fact that I haven't made a post in nearly two months. I know so many of you have been worried.
It is really hard to explain in a short blog everything that has been and still is going on within me. I haven't written in a long time but because of a dream I had several weeks ago I began to write some things down on paper. I have a large stack of paper with what in essence is the beginning of a journey.
I don't want to get into all the details of my life, many of you already know most of what has been going on, but I feel like for a long time I have been walking aimlessly through life. I am starting to feel like I am finding the right path for me, it seems it is just around the corner.
I have been doing a lot of reading, soul searching, and pondering on life's mysteries. I will tell you that I finished reading The Catcher in the Rye again, a book I love. I followed that up by reading Man's Search for Meaning by Victor Frankl, another book I love. It was really interesting to read those two books together. In a strange way they almost go hand in hand.
I won't get into a book report here, I will save that for later, when time permits. Let's just say that one point in the Cather in the Rye when the main character, Holden, is talking with his sister and she is basically yelling at him saying that he doesn't like anything. When he tries to explain there are a few things he does like, she asks what it is he wants to do when he grows up. Then he decides he wants to be "the catcher in the rye". (If you want to know more about it, read the book) What he really is saying is that he wants his life to have a higher purpose and meaning than just being a teacher, or a lawyer or an accountant. This is something Victor Frankl talks about in his book in which he talks from an psycho-analytical perpective of his experiences in a concentration camp.
Anyways, that is the journey that I am working on, finding a purpose beyond just being an accountant. I guess in the spirit of the title of my blog, I am looking for more than just being a boy with a pencil. I am looking to fulfilling my dreams, and really discovering what I want those dreams to be. This is a process, and like I mentioned I have written a great deal down. I don't know what will become of those writings, it probably isn't something I will blog.
I guess we will see.
It is really hard to explain in a short blog everything that has been and still is going on within me. I haven't written in a long time but because of a dream I had several weeks ago I began to write some things down on paper. I have a large stack of paper with what in essence is the beginning of a journey.
I don't want to get into all the details of my life, many of you already know most of what has been going on, but I feel like for a long time I have been walking aimlessly through life. I am starting to feel like I am finding the right path for me, it seems it is just around the corner.
I have been doing a lot of reading, soul searching, and pondering on life's mysteries. I will tell you that I finished reading The Catcher in the Rye again, a book I love. I followed that up by reading Man's Search for Meaning by Victor Frankl, another book I love. It was really interesting to read those two books together. In a strange way they almost go hand in hand.
I won't get into a book report here, I will save that for later, when time permits. Let's just say that one point in the Cather in the Rye when the main character, Holden, is talking with his sister and she is basically yelling at him saying that he doesn't like anything. When he tries to explain there are a few things he does like, she asks what it is he wants to do when he grows up. Then he decides he wants to be "the catcher in the rye". (If you want to know more about it, read the book) What he really is saying is that he wants his life to have a higher purpose and meaning than just being a teacher, or a lawyer or an accountant. This is something Victor Frankl talks about in his book in which he talks from an psycho-analytical perpective of his experiences in a concentration camp.
Anyways, that is the journey that I am working on, finding a purpose beyond just being an accountant. I guess in the spirit of the title of my blog, I am looking for more than just being a boy with a pencil. I am looking to fulfilling my dreams, and really discovering what I want those dreams to be. This is a process, and like I mentioned I have written a great deal down. I don't know what will become of those writings, it probably isn't something I will blog.
I guess we will see.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
The Roller-Coaster
It's really interesting to me the evolution of this blog. When I first started, it was more about being silly, though I believe the "Penguin Conspiracy". Then it turned into me telling the story of the rollercoaster ride that is my life.
Today I write serious, deep and personal stuff. I realized in writing this I am not writing so much for others but for myself.
I will honestly say that on more than one occasion I have considered ending the blog. Sometimes I feel like it doesn't matter what I write. I feel like my writing has gone from funny to depressing. I don't want people to think that I am constantly depressed because I am not. I will say that I am not constantly happy.
There is so much about life that I am trying to figure out, which is frustrating for a 37 year old man. Maybe I will be 74 and still trying to figure it all out, and maybe I never will. I have been doing a lot of reading and pondering this past week or so. I have been doing a lot of talking with God as well. I love the line from Rudy when the priest said that he has learned two things in his life: "one, there is a God and two, I am not Him"
That is pretty much where my pondering and praying has gotten me. I have learned a couple of other things this week though that I am hoping will change my life, or at least the way I see my life.
I always had in my minds eye how I thought my life should be and I focused not on what I had but what I didn't have. I constantly have questioned God and His plan for my life. I have often become frustrated because I didn't understand why things happen the way they did or how things would turn out. I guess what it boils down to is that I haven't been trusting God. I spent some time this week reading about this spiritual law called the "Law of Detachment". Basically it says "Let go and let God". Essentially what it comes down to is trusting God, or the Universe, that everything happens for my good.
It's really difficult for me right now to explain why trusting God has been, and still is, difficult for me. A lot of it has do with my relationship with Him and believing that I am only loved when I do what I am "suppose" to do. I am coming to realize that my perception of what makes me "worthy" has been skewed by a number of experiences in my life. So now I am trying to correct all of that and to be okay with you I am.
In my poem "This is Me", I wrote about how I feel weak and vulnerable. I have always seen that as a flaw. I have always been guarded and afraid to open up. Maybe that is the real reason my blog has gone from silly to serious. I am learning to open up, to let the whole world know who I am. I can't say why I started to write the things I have, in the past I wouldn't want anyone to know my pain and my struggles. Maybe because so many people are finding out about my pain anyways I felt it didn't matter. Maybe it was because I wanted people to know my pain so they could tell me it was all right, that I was okay, that I was loved.
What I realized this week is that as nice as it that people tell me that they love me, and that I a good person, none of that matters unless I can accept myself for who I am. That is where I am at now, learning to accept me for me. That is okay that I struggle, it's okay that I am not perfect. I know others have always accepted me for who I am, but I never have accepted me. People have told me many times what a nice guy I am, or that I am smart, or that I am loved and so on. I never could believe it, I couldn't accept it. No matter who said or how often. Ever since I was little I believed some negative thoughts about myself. Now it's time to change all that.
A few months ago I had little hope for myself, for my future. I think I began to just shut down mentally. I can't really explain it but it's like I was just living. I even stopped running. I think in a way I was punishing myself, thinking I didn't deserve to be happy and not trusting in God that my life would turn around.
I still don't have all the answers and I won't tell you that I am magically better. I think all this will take some time to process and to change. I am working hard to trust God and to learn to love me for who I am, not who I think I should have been.
If anyone is still reading this, I will let you know how this is working out.
Today I write serious, deep and personal stuff. I realized in writing this I am not writing so much for others but for myself.
I will honestly say that on more than one occasion I have considered ending the blog. Sometimes I feel like it doesn't matter what I write. I feel like my writing has gone from funny to depressing. I don't want people to think that I am constantly depressed because I am not. I will say that I am not constantly happy.
There is so much about life that I am trying to figure out, which is frustrating for a 37 year old man. Maybe I will be 74 and still trying to figure it all out, and maybe I never will. I have been doing a lot of reading and pondering this past week or so. I have been doing a lot of talking with God as well. I love the line from Rudy when the priest said that he has learned two things in his life: "one, there is a God and two, I am not Him"
That is pretty much where my pondering and praying has gotten me. I have learned a couple of other things this week though that I am hoping will change my life, or at least the way I see my life.
I always had in my minds eye how I thought my life should be and I focused not on what I had but what I didn't have. I constantly have questioned God and His plan for my life. I have often become frustrated because I didn't understand why things happen the way they did or how things would turn out. I guess what it boils down to is that I haven't been trusting God. I spent some time this week reading about this spiritual law called the "Law of Detachment". Basically it says "Let go and let God". Essentially what it comes down to is trusting God, or the Universe, that everything happens for my good.
It's really difficult for me right now to explain why trusting God has been, and still is, difficult for me. A lot of it has do with my relationship with Him and believing that I am only loved when I do what I am "suppose" to do. I am coming to realize that my perception of what makes me "worthy" has been skewed by a number of experiences in my life. So now I am trying to correct all of that and to be okay with you I am.
In my poem "This is Me", I wrote about how I feel weak and vulnerable. I have always seen that as a flaw. I have always been guarded and afraid to open up. Maybe that is the real reason my blog has gone from silly to serious. I am learning to open up, to let the whole world know who I am. I can't say why I started to write the things I have, in the past I wouldn't want anyone to know my pain and my struggles. Maybe because so many people are finding out about my pain anyways I felt it didn't matter. Maybe it was because I wanted people to know my pain so they could tell me it was all right, that I was okay, that I was loved.
What I realized this week is that as nice as it that people tell me that they love me, and that I a good person, none of that matters unless I can accept myself for who I am. That is where I am at now, learning to accept me for me. That is okay that I struggle, it's okay that I am not perfect. I know others have always accepted me for who I am, but I never have accepted me. People have told me many times what a nice guy I am, or that I am smart, or that I am loved and so on. I never could believe it, I couldn't accept it. No matter who said or how often. Ever since I was little I believed some negative thoughts about myself. Now it's time to change all that.
A few months ago I had little hope for myself, for my future. I think I began to just shut down mentally. I can't really explain it but it's like I was just living. I even stopped running. I think in a way I was punishing myself, thinking I didn't deserve to be happy and not trusting in God that my life would turn around.
I still don't have all the answers and I won't tell you that I am magically better. I think all this will take some time to process and to change. I am working hard to trust God and to learn to love me for who I am, not who I think I should have been.
If anyone is still reading this, I will let you know how this is working out.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
One in a million
I haven't been keeping up with posting very often and for that I apologize. So just to keep things moving, here is another poem I wrote awhile back.
One in a million
A million thoughts run through my head
of a million words I left unsaid
Out of a million I wish there were some
Some of those million could be undone
A million paths I didn't take
A million choices I didn't make
I can't help but think what might have been
If I had just one in a million to do again.
One in a million
A million thoughts run through my head
of a million words I left unsaid
Out of a million I wish there were some
Some of those million could be undone
A million paths I didn't take
A million choices I didn't make
I can't help but think what might have been
If I had just one in a million to do again.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
The Last Month
I know it has been a long time since I last posted. I am still alive, I promise. Stuff happened, I just didn't find the type to blog. Maybe now that "busy season" at work is over for the next few months I will have more time to live and to type.
I can't really recount everything that happened...it was a busy month. The biggest change was the death of Yoda. For those of you who don't know, my little green Kia Rio was named Yoda. He was small, old and green. He was a friend that got me to work and home. He had problems, no doubt, but he was my friend. One morning on my way to work, I pulled out on to a main road and got smashed right on the driver side. Other than some scrapes and bruises I was OK. Yoda was not. He was still able to drive, barely. It would have cost me a lot of money to try to save him and he never would be the same. I found a place that would take him, and use what they could, a car organ donor if you will.
With the passing of Yoda came the need for a new vehicle. Unfortunately I can't get to work without a vehicle and the public transportation system in Phoenix is...well let's say it's not NYC. Anyway, after a short search I adopted Sandy. She is a PT Cruiser, a car that belongs at the beach. (Hence the name...that and she was born in LA in July, not because of my obsession of Sandra Bullock). Sandy is lovely and I have enjoyed her company.
Besides all that, things are what they are. I've been working on my poetry though I have nothing to share at this time. I have had some more time to think and we will see what becomes of that. I will try to keep it shorter between posts.
I can't really recount everything that happened...it was a busy month. The biggest change was the death of Yoda. For those of you who don't know, my little green Kia Rio was named Yoda. He was small, old and green. He was a friend that got me to work and home. He had problems, no doubt, but he was my friend. One morning on my way to work, I pulled out on to a main road and got smashed right on the driver side. Other than some scrapes and bruises I was OK. Yoda was not. He was still able to drive, barely. It would have cost me a lot of money to try to save him and he never would be the same. I found a place that would take him, and use what they could, a car organ donor if you will.
With the passing of Yoda came the need for a new vehicle. Unfortunately I can't get to work without a vehicle and the public transportation system in Phoenix is...well let's say it's not NYC. Anyway, after a short search I adopted Sandy. She is a PT Cruiser, a car that belongs at the beach. (Hence the name...that and she was born in LA in July, not because of my obsession of Sandra Bullock). Sandy is lovely and I have enjoyed her company.
Besides all that, things are what they are. I've been working on my poetry though I have nothing to share at this time. I have had some more time to think and we will see what becomes of that. I will try to keep it shorter between posts.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Reflection
Last night as I was laying in bed just before falling asleep my mind started to wonder. Although it seems that life has been difficult the past while, my mind took me somewhere else. I began to think about all the wonderful things I have experienced in life. I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude for my life. Sure it has been filled with difficult times, I think most people experience that, but it has also been filled with some wonderful moments. It's those moments that keep me going, that make life worth living.
I've built sand castles on the beaches of California and I've climbed the highest peaks in Colorado. I've run across the Golden Gate Bridge and I've bicycled through the streets of Manhattan. I've looked out from atop the Statue of Liberty and (as a tourist) I've sat in a prison cell on Alcatraz. I've driven from one coast to the other. I've walked through blizzards and hiked through deserts, I've walked through Central Park in the fall. I've tasted warm soup on a rainy day. I've eaten homemade cookies after a walk home from school. I've felt the arms of a loved ones embrace. I've laughed so hard that I've cried. I've seen four wonderful children enter the world and watched them grow. I've been chased around a table by a growling little girl. I've heard the wisdom of child explain why grown-ups aren't as happy as children. I've seen my children play and dance and I've heard them sing. I've ridden my new bicycle in my pajamas with my brother and sisters early on a Christmas morning. I've been loved and I've loved. I've worked and I've served, but best of all I've played. I've heard concerts and I've heard birds sing.
This is actually a short list of the joy I've felt in my life. What's not to be happy about? What's not to love? Live can be hard but it can be great. I've been blessed and for that I'm grateful. I look forward to what's next. Thinking of these things helps me look past my pain and struggles and look forward to the joy and happiness that awaits.
I've built sand castles on the beaches of California and I've climbed the highest peaks in Colorado. I've run across the Golden Gate Bridge and I've bicycled through the streets of Manhattan. I've looked out from atop the Statue of Liberty and (as a tourist) I've sat in a prison cell on Alcatraz. I've driven from one coast to the other. I've walked through blizzards and hiked through deserts, I've walked through Central Park in the fall. I've tasted warm soup on a rainy day. I've eaten homemade cookies after a walk home from school. I've felt the arms of a loved ones embrace. I've laughed so hard that I've cried. I've seen four wonderful children enter the world and watched them grow. I've been chased around a table by a growling little girl. I've heard the wisdom of child explain why grown-ups aren't as happy as children. I've seen my children play and dance and I've heard them sing. I've ridden my new bicycle in my pajamas with my brother and sisters early on a Christmas morning. I've been loved and I've loved. I've worked and I've served, but best of all I've played. I've heard concerts and I've heard birds sing.
This is actually a short list of the joy I've felt in my life. What's not to be happy about? What's not to love? Live can be hard but it can be great. I've been blessed and for that I'm grateful. I look forward to what's next. Thinking of these things helps me look past my pain and struggles and look forward to the joy and happiness that awaits.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
The First Step
It's been a while since my last post. No poems today, just the ramblings of my thoughts.
They say that a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. The saying is often used to encourage someone to begin a goal, to start moving forward. Some time back I made a goal that I wanted to run a marathon this year. I selected a marathon that will take place in Utah in June as my goal. I created a training plan that will lead me to the finish line. That training plan began this week. I have not yet officially signed up for the race but I have taken the first steps...literally.
As I was running last night I thought about the obstacles I would face in running a marathon, both the physical and mental obstacles of running a 26.2 mile race. I thought about my goal, which is to finish the marathon, not just get there. As I thought about it that saying I mentioned above came to mind and I realized something. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, it also ends with a single step. My goal will not be realized until I cross the finish line with one final stride. After I cross...I can collapse and not move again, but I have to step over the finish line. (Hopefully, I will still be able to move...though I suspect I will have some pain)
Then the saying of "Life is a marathon, not a sprint" came into my mind. When I ran the half-marathon last summer it was an awesome experience. If life is a marathon, than I ran half a life. I guess I got to the mid-life crisis point. It did feel a lot like life, there were times where I felt I could do it all, and others where I didn't think I could keep going. I remember thinking around mile 4 or 5 that I felt good and thought I could run a full marathon. Then by mile 11 I thought I couldn't make it.
It seems my life has been like that as well. There have been times where I feel like I am on top of the world and that I could accomplish anything. Then there are other times where I feel like I just can't go any further.
Crossing the finish line was such a thrill and I can't tell you the feelings that I felt. Sure I was exhausted and my legs hurt, but mentally and emotionally I was on top of the world. It was such a great feeling that it made me want to run another one. I have run plenty of shorter runs and the feeling of crossing that finish line just wasn't the same. There was something special about completing a longer run. A run where I had to push myself mentally, physically and emotionally. I had to keep going even when it seemed the race would never end.
This is where life is like a marathon. It's not quick, it's not easy. There are joys but there are also plenty of pains. On my journey through life I already began with a single step, just like in my quest to complete a marathon has already begun. But it is only the beginning. The journey does not end until I take that final step and cross that finish line and until then I have to keep pushing forward and working hard. Just as in life I have to push forward and work hard.
None of this probably makes any sense. Maybe I should stick to poems. What I am saying is this, there have been times in my life when I wanted to give up, quit, and just stop running. I haven't yet because I know there is plenty of race left to run. Just like running a half-marathon wasn't about coming in first, so is life. I don't need to come in first, I don't need to be better than others. I just need to keep running to prove to myself I can make it. And along the way I can take in the sights and enjoy the run, and I know that when I cross that finish line it will all be worth it.
Yesterday was a pretty rough day for me. I woke with the feeling that I should just go back to bed and stay there. I was stressed about work, about life and feeling pretty crabby. It was what I call a "Blah" day. I tried to not let it get me down but it was rough. Everything seemed to go down. When I got home I went for a run and I am glad that I did. It gave me time to forget all that and just be. As I went to bed last night I prayed that I would feel better. I had a very strange dream. I believe God can and does reveal things to me in my dreams. I know some people may think that weird but for me it works. (Besides if you believe in the Bible then you believe God speaks to people in dreams) Anyways, I interpreted my dream this morning and to put it simply, God message to me was basically not to sweat the small stuff, everything will be OK. I feel better today. Sure all the same problems are still there but it's better.
Until next time...
They say that a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. The saying is often used to encourage someone to begin a goal, to start moving forward. Some time back I made a goal that I wanted to run a marathon this year. I selected a marathon that will take place in Utah in June as my goal. I created a training plan that will lead me to the finish line. That training plan began this week. I have not yet officially signed up for the race but I have taken the first steps...literally.
As I was running last night I thought about the obstacles I would face in running a marathon, both the physical and mental obstacles of running a 26.2 mile race. I thought about my goal, which is to finish the marathon, not just get there. As I thought about it that saying I mentioned above came to mind and I realized something. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, it also ends with a single step. My goal will not be realized until I cross the finish line with one final stride. After I cross...I can collapse and not move again, but I have to step over the finish line. (Hopefully, I will still be able to move...though I suspect I will have some pain)
Then the saying of "Life is a marathon, not a sprint" came into my mind. When I ran the half-marathon last summer it was an awesome experience. If life is a marathon, than I ran half a life. I guess I got to the mid-life crisis point. It did feel a lot like life, there were times where I felt I could do it all, and others where I didn't think I could keep going. I remember thinking around mile 4 or 5 that I felt good and thought I could run a full marathon. Then by mile 11 I thought I couldn't make it.
It seems my life has been like that as well. There have been times where I feel like I am on top of the world and that I could accomplish anything. Then there are other times where I feel like I just can't go any further.
Crossing the finish line was such a thrill and I can't tell you the feelings that I felt. Sure I was exhausted and my legs hurt, but mentally and emotionally I was on top of the world. It was such a great feeling that it made me want to run another one. I have run plenty of shorter runs and the feeling of crossing that finish line just wasn't the same. There was something special about completing a longer run. A run where I had to push myself mentally, physically and emotionally. I had to keep going even when it seemed the race would never end.
This is where life is like a marathon. It's not quick, it's not easy. There are joys but there are also plenty of pains. On my journey through life I already began with a single step, just like in my quest to complete a marathon has already begun. But it is only the beginning. The journey does not end until I take that final step and cross that finish line and until then I have to keep pushing forward and working hard. Just as in life I have to push forward and work hard.
None of this probably makes any sense. Maybe I should stick to poems. What I am saying is this, there have been times in my life when I wanted to give up, quit, and just stop running. I haven't yet because I know there is plenty of race left to run. Just like running a half-marathon wasn't about coming in first, so is life. I don't need to come in first, I don't need to be better than others. I just need to keep running to prove to myself I can make it. And along the way I can take in the sights and enjoy the run, and I know that when I cross that finish line it will all be worth it.
Yesterday was a pretty rough day for me. I woke with the feeling that I should just go back to bed and stay there. I was stressed about work, about life and feeling pretty crabby. It was what I call a "Blah" day. I tried to not let it get me down but it was rough. Everything seemed to go down. When I got home I went for a run and I am glad that I did. It gave me time to forget all that and just be. As I went to bed last night I prayed that I would feel better. I had a very strange dream. I believe God can and does reveal things to me in my dreams. I know some people may think that weird but for me it works. (Besides if you believe in the Bible then you believe God speaks to people in dreams) Anyways, I interpreted my dream this morning and to put it simply, God message to me was basically not to sweat the small stuff, everything will be OK. I feel better today. Sure all the same problems are still there but it's better.
Until next time...
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
This is me
So it has been a couple of weeks since my last post. Life and work have gotten pretty busy. I am writing to you tonight from a hotel room in Farmington, NM. I am a long way from home.
In my last post I posted a poem. I received a lot of feedback about that poem. I don't really know if it was more of people being nice or if people really thought it was a good poem. I have often worried about what I post on my blog...and I am not sure why. I guess a part of me has always been afraid to show people the real me. I suppose I worry what people will say and think about me. I guess if I really cared that much, I wouldn't post anything. There is a part of me though that wants to let you know the real me, who I really am.
I haven't always been one to share my emotions and my feelings. In fact, most times if you were to ask me how I was really feeling, I wouldn't be able to answer. I have spent a good deal of my life ignoring how I felt because I felt feelings I thought I shouldn't feel. Things like fear, loneliness, pain, and so on. Feelings I didn't want others to know I was feeling. So typically I just bury them somewhere. In many ways that has to do with why my marriage has come to its end. I can't really blame anyone, not even myself, the best I can do is to learn and grow from the experience.
So if you didn't like my poem, too bad. Theresa told me a quote she had heard and I am going to repeat here and probably butcher it. Basically she said that art is spilling our guts onto the canvas of the artists choice. I have always felt it easiest to spill my guts on paper, usually in the form of a poem. So poetry is my art, it is me spilling my guts. It is me putting myself out there.
Over the years I have written many poems, and yes even some raps. Most of them were jotted down on scraps of papers and not kept. Others are kept in my journal (it's not a diary) or notebooks. I typically didn't want to share them with others because I was afraid people would see me in a way I didn't want to be seen.
I didn't want people to know that I hurt inside, I wanted to be perfect. I didn't want to let people down, not my parents, my siblings, my wife or my kids. I always wanted to be what I thought everyone else wanted me to be. And when I felt I wasn't being that person, it hurt.
I can't live that way anymore. I won't. I am who I am and people can accept that or not. I feel that at this point in my life it's time to just be me. To be imperfect, to stop trying to be Superman.
In that spirit I wrote the following poem tonight.
THIS IS ME
You need to know how I feel
You need to know I am real
I feel sadness, pain and sorrow
Sometimes I pray for a better tomorrow
I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders
My burdens are heavy, like giant boulders
Sometimes I do cry in the night
And pray that things will turn alright
Sometimes I stumble and even I fall
And have hidden myself behind my wall
But it's because I don't want you to see
The person who looks in mirror at me
I don't want you to know I am weak
I am afraid you'll think I am a freak
I worry about what this world will say
So instead I've try to keep hidden away
But I am who I am and that can't change
So say what you will, call me strange
I can't stay alone behind my wall
The time is now for it to fall
So here I am for everyone to see
Here I am. This is me.
So there it is. I suppose you will be subject to more of my poems, it's my art, it's my expression. Some days I feel like I am on top of the world, other days I feel like I'm buried under it.
In my last post I posted a poem. I received a lot of feedback about that poem. I don't really know if it was more of people being nice or if people really thought it was a good poem. I have often worried about what I post on my blog...and I am not sure why. I guess a part of me has always been afraid to show people the real me. I suppose I worry what people will say and think about me. I guess if I really cared that much, I wouldn't post anything. There is a part of me though that wants to let you know the real me, who I really am.
I haven't always been one to share my emotions and my feelings. In fact, most times if you were to ask me how I was really feeling, I wouldn't be able to answer. I have spent a good deal of my life ignoring how I felt because I felt feelings I thought I shouldn't feel. Things like fear, loneliness, pain, and so on. Feelings I didn't want others to know I was feeling. So typically I just bury them somewhere. In many ways that has to do with why my marriage has come to its end. I can't really blame anyone, not even myself, the best I can do is to learn and grow from the experience.
So if you didn't like my poem, too bad. Theresa told me a quote she had heard and I am going to repeat here and probably butcher it. Basically she said that art is spilling our guts onto the canvas of the artists choice. I have always felt it easiest to spill my guts on paper, usually in the form of a poem. So poetry is my art, it is me spilling my guts. It is me putting myself out there.
Over the years I have written many poems, and yes even some raps. Most of them were jotted down on scraps of papers and not kept. Others are kept in my journal (it's not a diary) or notebooks. I typically didn't want to share them with others because I was afraid people would see me in a way I didn't want to be seen.
I didn't want people to know that I hurt inside, I wanted to be perfect. I didn't want to let people down, not my parents, my siblings, my wife or my kids. I always wanted to be what I thought everyone else wanted me to be. And when I felt I wasn't being that person, it hurt.
I can't live that way anymore. I won't. I am who I am and people can accept that or not. I feel that at this point in my life it's time to just be me. To be imperfect, to stop trying to be Superman.
In that spirit I wrote the following poem tonight.
THIS IS ME
You need to know how I feel
You need to know I am real
I feel sadness, pain and sorrow
Sometimes I pray for a better tomorrow
I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders
My burdens are heavy, like giant boulders
Sometimes I do cry in the night
And pray that things will turn alright
Sometimes I stumble and even I fall
And have hidden myself behind my wall
But it's because I don't want you to see
The person who looks in mirror at me
I don't want you to know I am weak
I am afraid you'll think I am a freak
I worry about what this world will say
So instead I've try to keep hidden away
But I am who I am and that can't change
So say what you will, call me strange
I can't stay alone behind my wall
The time is now for it to fall
So here I am for everyone to see
Here I am. This is me.
So there it is. I suppose you will be subject to more of my poems, it's my art, it's my expression. Some days I feel like I am on top of the world, other days I feel like I'm buried under it.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
The Darkest Hour - a poem
Here is a little poem I thought was good, felt like sharing.
The Darkest Hour
I stood there in the dark
looking towards the sky
I felt the rain fall down
a tear fell from my eye
I stood there all alone
and felt the chilly air
I looked all about
not another soul was there
I began to lose my hope
that there would again be light
that once again I would stand
with the sun so bright
And just as the sky
grew darker than the night
I saw a bit of hope
I saw a shining light
Just as my burdens seemed
more than I could take
out on the horizon I saw
the darkness start to break
The sun rose slowly up
and brought my soul along
now I can feel the warmth
my soul can sing a song
The darkest hour comes
just before the light
so when darkness holds you
stand firm with all your might.
The Darkest Hour
I stood there in the dark
looking towards the sky
I felt the rain fall down
a tear fell from my eye
I stood there all alone
and felt the chilly air
I looked all about
not another soul was there
I began to lose my hope
that there would again be light
that once again I would stand
with the sun so bright
And just as the sky
grew darker than the night
I saw a bit of hope
I saw a shining light
Just as my burdens seemed
more than I could take
out on the horizon I saw
the darkness start to break
The sun rose slowly up
and brought my soul along
now I can feel the warmth
my soul can sing a song
The darkest hour comes
just before the light
so when darkness holds you
stand firm with all your might.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
The 11th Mile
I can not dispute the existence of a higher power. Sometimes I wish I could but I have seen his work, I have felt his hand and I have heard his voice. I can not dispute any of that. Yet it seems that I can not understand why some things happen they way they do.
I have come to realize that sometimes in life, as in nature, we do not understand how devastation could be part of something bigger. Those who understand nature know that a forest fire may seem like a tragic event, it actually is good for the forest. It brings renewal and life to the forest that otherwise could not occur. It allows the forest grow back stronger and better than before.
So why is it that we should expect that God would cause a forest to burn not to destroy but to help save it and we should not expect something similar for our own souls?
While I was living in New York I had the opportunity to see Les Miserables on Broadway. I loved the musical, its story was filled with lessons worth learning. At certain times in my life, when it seems my forest is burning, I can't help but hear the words of Fantine when she sang her song:
"I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed"
Sometimes I feel like Fantine, when I was young I dreamed how I wanted my life to be. Unfortunately my dream has not come true; either because I have been too ignorant or too lazy to fight for that dream.
So I fear that a dreamed died, but perhaps not. Perhaps the dream must just change. I am not a big country fan but I can't help but think now of the words of Garth Brooks:
"You know a dream is like a river
Ever changin' as it flows
And a dreamer's just a vessel
That must follow where it goes
Trying to learn from what's behind you
And never knowing what's in store
Makes each day a constant battle
Just to stay between the shores"
So it's time to either lay down and give up, or it's time to keep going. When I was running the SF Half-Marathon I reached mile 11 right about my target pace. I had reached the bottom of large hill and my left calf muscle started to hurt. It felt like it was getting tight, really tight. I had a couple of choices, I could stop stretch it out and hope to keep going, I could stop all together, or I could keep running. I chose to keep running, I chose to push through. I did so because I had a goal of reaching the finish line and I intended to reach it.
Right now in life I feel like I am at the 11th mile emotionally. I suppose I could stop and rest, I could stop all together, or I could push through the pain and make it to the finish line. The choice is fairly easy. I have a goal of becoming the person I believe I was meant to be and so I will push on and reach that goal. Unfortunately I don't know where that finish line is but I am pretty sure that I must be at the 11th mile.
I have come to realize that sometimes in life, as in nature, we do not understand how devastation could be part of something bigger. Those who understand nature know that a forest fire may seem like a tragic event, it actually is good for the forest. It brings renewal and life to the forest that otherwise could not occur. It allows the forest grow back stronger and better than before.
So why is it that we should expect that God would cause a forest to burn not to destroy but to help save it and we should not expect something similar for our own souls?
While I was living in New York I had the opportunity to see Les Miserables on Broadway. I loved the musical, its story was filled with lessons worth learning. At certain times in my life, when it seems my forest is burning, I can't help but hear the words of Fantine when she sang her song:
"I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed"
Sometimes I feel like Fantine, when I was young I dreamed how I wanted my life to be. Unfortunately my dream has not come true; either because I have been too ignorant or too lazy to fight for that dream.
So I fear that a dreamed died, but perhaps not. Perhaps the dream must just change. I am not a big country fan but I can't help but think now of the words of Garth Brooks:
"You know a dream is like a river
Ever changin' as it flows
And a dreamer's just a vessel
That must follow where it goes
Trying to learn from what's behind you
And never knowing what's in store
Makes each day a constant battle
Just to stay between the shores"
So it's time to either lay down and give up, or it's time to keep going. When I was running the SF Half-Marathon I reached mile 11 right about my target pace. I had reached the bottom of large hill and my left calf muscle started to hurt. It felt like it was getting tight, really tight. I had a couple of choices, I could stop stretch it out and hope to keep going, I could stop all together, or I could keep running. I chose to keep running, I chose to push through. I did so because I had a goal of reaching the finish line and I intended to reach it.
Right now in life I feel like I am at the 11th mile emotionally. I suppose I could stop and rest, I could stop all together, or I could push through the pain and make it to the finish line. The choice is fairly easy. I have a goal of becoming the person I believe I was meant to be and so I will push on and reach that goal. Unfortunately I don't know where that finish line is but I am pretty sure that I must be at the 11th mile.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
The Little Bird
In my last post I had a quote I had heard about self pity and mentioned that it took me a few days to remember where I had heard it. Last night I had gone for a run and went to add a note to myself of my time so that the next time I was logged into the computer I could add my time to my log. As I went to enter my note on my phone I noticed that I had made a note to myself to look up the poem and where I had heard it. Evidently when I had heard the poem I liked it so much that I put a note in my phone to look it up. I guess I should check my phone notes more often.
Perhaps it was seeing my note “GI Jane poem about a bird” in my phone just before bed that caused me to have the following dream. Perhaps it was more than just that. I had a dream last night and I awoke from it at about 2:30am. I thought of writing it down at the time but was too tired to turn on the light and to grab my notebook and pen that I keep next to me by the bed. (So I can write down meaningful dreams) I will try to recount the dream as best as I can.
In my dream I saw a young bird sitting in a tree in a beautiful forest. I heard a voice that narrated the dream, as if I was being told a story. The story was about this little bird. The bird was young and afraid because it was so high up in the tree and had never flown before. It felt that if he tried to fly, he would surely plummet to the ground and die. So the bird stayed in the nest. The other birds would fly by, stopping to visit the young bird and encouraging him to fly. On occasion the bird would stand on the edge of the nest and spread his wings, thinking he wanted to fly but then he would look down and see the ground so far below, and afraid would go back inside the nest.
The bird had no reason to leave the nest. His mother made sure that he was fed, friends would come to see him, he was warm and happy inside the nest. Still there was a longing in him to fly. His friends would come by and tell him of there experiences of flying and how enjoyable it was and he became sad. He felt he couldn’t fly, especially not now, he hadn’t learned while he was young. He became withdrawn and sad. Soon his friends didn’t fly by as often and he felt alone.
More and more often the bird would walk to the edge of the nest and stretch his wings, flapping them on occasion. “Someday I will fly” he thought. Yet every time he felt he was about to take that leap, he would look down and see the ground and become afraid. “I will never fly” he then thought.
One morning the bird awoke in his nest, he saw the sun rising through the trees and the blue sky above. “I want to experience that” he thought and so he walked to the edge of the nest and stretched his wings again. He looked down but this time he wasn’t afraid. “Today I will fly, or I will die trying” he thought to himself. For a moment he felt panic but then he leaped out of the nest. For a second he began to plummet towards the earth like a rock and he thought for sure he was going to die. Then after a second he spread his wings and started to fly. He began to flap his wings and fly higher and higher. Before he knew it he was above the trees, in the warmth of the sun and felt the wind for the first time.
He was happy, happier than he had ever been. He was now living his potential, he was living his purpose. For the first time ever, he felt like a bird.
That was the end of my dream, that is when I awoke.
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