Self-Pity...and other news.

Recently I was feeling pretty down, as happens from time to time and I couldn’t help but remember a poem that I had heard just weeks before. I couldn’t remember the specifics of the poem, or even where I had heard it. I thought that perhaps that maybe I just dreamed that I had heard it.

After a series of Google searches, I was able to find the poem. It doesn’t rhyme but I still like it.

Self-Pity – by DH Lawrence

I never saw a wild thing

Sorry for itself

A small bird will drop frozen from a bough

Without ever having felt sorry for itself

I had heard this while watching G.I. Jane on TV one Saturday. I really like this poem because I believe that humans are the only one of Gods creations that feels self-pity and yet we probably are the only ones that don’t deserve to feel such a way.

A week or so ago I wrote my annual “State of Jeff Report” in which I recapped the year 2010 and the joys and pains that I experienced. I also outlined some of my hopes and dreams for the coming year. While over the past week or so I have focused mainly on the pains of the past year and feared the pains of the coming year, I have decided to stop the self-pity. There is only so much that is in my control and so I am striving to focus on those things.

In reading the “State of Jeff Report” you will know that one of my favorite quotes I recently learned was about being the person you believe you were meant to be. I have worked hard over the past few weeks to try to figure out who that person is, who the person I believe I was meant to be. I have struggled with that because I wanted so much to get it right the first time.

I am reminded of a time in high school when in a class we were instructed to write an essay about what we wanted to become after high school and how we were going to accomplish this. Up until that time, which was probably late Junior or early Senior year, I hadn’t thought much about what I was going to do after high school. I was enjoying the high school experience as best as I could and didn’t think about the future or what I wanted to become until that point. I pondered it for a while and then decided I was going to become a lawyer. I knew I couldn’t get into a university with my grades but I found a community college that had an excellent paralegal program as well as a transfer program with Cal. The plan was to take general education and pre-law classes there, get good enough grades that I could transfer and then finish at Cal.

Over the course of the next few years my plans changed and I ended up becoming a CPA, which is a better fit for me. Although I didn’t become what I planned in high school I became something better for me. The important thing is that I began with taking the first steps, I started by going to college. I don’t know what person I ultimately will become but I need to take the first steps. I won’t get anywhere if I just stand here trying to figure out which way I want to go. There is no wrong way, I just need to chose a path.

In related news…I have an announcement.

In my 2010 “State of Jeff Report” I indicated that one of my crowning achievements in 2010 was completing the SF Half-marathon in July and that I had a goal to complete a full marathon in 2011. I decided that it would be important for me to complete this goal and so I began to research and plan.

I reviewed upcoming marathons and weighed the options. Although it is difficult for me to plan my year out because I hope there will be several changes, I decided that I needed to plan. The factors I considered were time of year so that I would have adequate training time, location of the marathon, and degree of difficulty of the marathon course.

I have decided on a marathon. I have decided I will run the 2011 Utah Valley Marathon on June 11, 2011. I chose this marathon for a few reasons. The timing of the event will allow me plenty of time to train, even through what will be a very busy spring. In addition the route of the marathon is through the Provo Canyon, which from my experiences of driving and hiking there I can say is very lovely. Also, the marathon is suppose to be a fairly fast course and is mainly all downhill with a location close to Arizona. Another thing I like about this marathon is that all the funds are used for charities that I feel are worthy, they are aimed at helping children both in Utah Valley and throughout the world.

Although I have not yet officially signed up for the event, it is on my calendar and I have created a training schedule. Over the next 23 weeks, I will provide you with updates of my progress. There are many purposes I feel would be important for me to fulfill this goal. For one, it will give me a healthy goal to work towards. I have found running to be an excellent form of stress management and at this point in my life I could use all the stress management I can get. In addition, I find that there is a form of self discovery or self examination that comes from pushing ourselves to our limits both physically and mentally. A marathon is not only about the physical challenge of running 26.2 miles but also about the mental challenge of pushing yourself to run that far. I need to challenge myself mentally, to conquer the voices in my head that say I can’t do it.

I look forward to the challenge.