The 11th Mile

I can not dispute the existence of a higher power. Sometimes I wish I could but I have seen his work, I have felt his hand and I have heard his voice. I can not dispute any of that. Yet it seems that I can not understand why some things happen they way they do.

I have come to realize that sometimes in life, as in nature, we do not understand how devastation could be part of something bigger. Those who understand nature know that a forest fire may seem like a tragic event, it actually is good for the forest. It brings renewal and life to the forest that otherwise could not occur. It allows the forest grow back stronger and better than before.

So why is it that we should expect that God would cause a forest to burn not to destroy but to help save it and we should not expect something similar for our own souls?

While I was living in New York I had the opportunity to see Les Miserables on Broadway. I loved the musical, its story was filled with lessons worth learning. At certain times in my life, when it seems my forest is burning, I can't help but hear the words of Fantine when she sang her song:

"I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed"

Sometimes I feel like Fantine, when I was young I dreamed how I wanted my life to be. Unfortunately my dream has not come true; either because I have been too ignorant or too lazy to fight for that dream.

So I fear that a dreamed died, but perhaps not. Perhaps the dream must just change. I am not a big country fan but I can't help but think now of the words of Garth Brooks:

"You know a dream is like a river
Ever changin' as it flows
And a dreamer's just a vessel
That must follow where it goes
Trying to learn from what's behind you
And never knowing what's in store
Makes each day a constant battle
Just to stay between the shores"

So it's time to either lay down and give up, or it's time to keep going. When I was running the SF Half-Marathon I reached mile 11 right about my target pace. I had reached the bottom of large hill and my left calf muscle started to hurt. It felt like it was getting tight, really tight. I had a couple of choices, I could stop stretch it out and hope to keep going, I could stop all together, or I could keep running. I chose to keep running, I chose to push through. I did so because I had a goal of reaching the finish line and I intended to reach it.

Right now in life I feel like I am at the 11th mile emotionally. I suppose I could stop and rest, I could stop all together, or I could push through the pain and make it to the finish line. The choice is fairly easy. I have a goal of becoming the person I believe I was meant to be and so I will push on and reach that goal. Unfortunately I don't know where that finish line is but I am pretty sure that I must be at the 11th mile.