It's really interesting to me the evolution of this blog. When I first started, it was more about being silly, though I believe the "Penguin Conspiracy". Then it turned into me telling the story of the rollercoaster ride that is my life.
Today I write serious, deep and personal stuff. I realized in writing this I am not writing so much for others but for myself.
I will honestly say that on more than one occasion I have considered ending the blog. Sometimes I feel like it doesn't matter what I write. I feel like my writing has gone from funny to depressing. I don't want people to think that I am constantly depressed because I am not. I will say that I am not constantly happy.
There is so much about life that I am trying to figure out, which is frustrating for a 37 year old man. Maybe I will be 74 and still trying to figure it all out, and maybe I never will. I have been doing a lot of reading and pondering this past week or so. I have been doing a lot of talking with God as well. I love the line from Rudy when the priest said that he has learned two things in his life: "one, there is a God and two, I am not Him"
That is pretty much where my pondering and praying has gotten me. I have learned a couple of other things this week though that I am hoping will change my life, or at least the way I see my life.
I always had in my minds eye how I thought my life should be and I focused not on what I had but what I didn't have. I constantly have questioned God and His plan for my life. I have often become frustrated because I didn't understand why things happen the way they did or how things would turn out. I guess what it boils down to is that I haven't been trusting God. I spent some time this week reading about this spiritual law called the "Law of Detachment". Basically it says "Let go and let God". Essentially what it comes down to is trusting God, or the Universe, that everything happens for my good.
It's really difficult for me right now to explain why trusting God has been, and still is, difficult for me. A lot of it has do with my relationship with Him and believing that I am only loved when I do what I am "suppose" to do. I am coming to realize that my perception of what makes me "worthy" has been skewed by a number of experiences in my life. So now I am trying to correct all of that and to be okay with you I am.
In my poem "This is Me", I wrote about how I feel weak and vulnerable. I have always seen that as a flaw. I have always been guarded and afraid to open up. Maybe that is the real reason my blog has gone from silly to serious. I am learning to open up, to let the whole world know who I am. I can't say why I started to write the things I have, in the past I wouldn't want anyone to know my pain and my struggles. Maybe because so many people are finding out about my pain anyways I felt it didn't matter. Maybe it was because I wanted people to know my pain so they could tell me it was all right, that I was okay, that I was loved.
What I realized this week is that as nice as it that people tell me that they love me, and that I a good person, none of that matters unless I can accept myself for who I am. That is where I am at now, learning to accept me for me. That is okay that I struggle, it's okay that I am not perfect. I know others have always accepted me for who I am, but I never have accepted me. People have told me many times what a nice guy I am, or that I am smart, or that I am loved and so on. I never could believe it, I couldn't accept it. No matter who said or how often. Ever since I was little I believed some negative thoughts about myself. Now it's time to change all that.
A few months ago I had little hope for myself, for my future. I think I began to just shut down mentally. I can't really explain it but it's like I was just living. I even stopped running. I think in a way I was punishing myself, thinking I didn't deserve to be happy and not trusting in God that my life would turn around.
I still don't have all the answers and I won't tell you that I am magically better. I think all this will take some time to process and to change. I am working hard to trust God and to learn to love me for who I am, not who I think I should have been.
If anyone is still reading this, I will let you know how this is working out.
I am still reading! I really love the way you have opened up on your blog. Writing your feelings can be very hard but can also help you better understand and come to terms with them. As for trusting in God, I think that is one of the hardest things to do. We all want to know the why's, how's and when's. One of my favorite quotes has recently become "Having Faith in God includes having faith in his timing" (Neal A Maxwell) I have often put my own time line out there and expected God to meet my demands. But I am slowly learning that it doesn't work that way. We generally feel closest to God when we are living our lives in accordance to His will. However, I don't believe he withholds His love for us. I have found that the times in my life when I have felt unlovable were the times I needed to turn to God. Sometimes I have and sometimes I haven't. It's hard. Hang in there!! (Sorry for the rambling!)
ReplyDeleteJeff....I have missed a few blogs due to time constraints and just being busy. The toddler dominates my time these days!
ReplyDeleteYour letters, blogs, whatever reference you choose to insert, are awesome and powerful. Very true.....I mostly enjoy them because i don't nearly spend the time around a quality person like yourself. I know you and what you stand for..as you discover yourself and learn to love yourself, remember your morals and your values that made you who you are. Your perceptions and expectations may be skewed, but as someone looking in, you were always a GREAT being and I enjoyed being around you. Keep up the hard work. You're an inspiration to those that can take and comprehend what you're going through. I wish you only the very best in your journey. You have my number if you wish to talk sometime too....but I'm only offering. Not requesting :D
Sincerely,
Chris