It's been a quite the week for me. Wise men say that everything happens for a reason, but that doesn't makes life any easier, but those moments when you actually figure out the reason usually feel pretty good.
Those who read my last post know that last weekend I had a long run of 20 miles and when I ran it, I didn't finish in the time I wanted to finish in, which led me to feel frustrated. Well, on top of my frustrating run, on Sunday night I got sick. I felt so bad that I barely slept Sunday night and Monday night wasn't much better. I missed my Tuesday run and my Wednesday cross training.
Not only was I feeling sick but I was also feel quite depressed. I am not sure if they were related but for a few days, I was miserable. On Wednesday night I decided it didn't matter how I felt the next day, I was going to run. I didn't care if I collapsed a mile into my run, I was going to run. Luckily I was feeling about 90% on Thursday so that night I went for a run. My plan was to run 8 miles, I wasn't going to worry about my time, I was just going to run and to enjoy it.
A very wise young boy once told me that if I wanted to be happier as an adult, that I should try doing the things that made me happy as a child. As I was running on Thursday I was thinking how much I love running and how I felt free and happy. I recalled how much fun it was to run and play as a kid. I enjoyed my run and my time was fine. What I learned from not being able to run, was that for the past few weeks I have become so focused on "training" for my marathon that I had forgotten why I started running in the first place. The times when I enjoy running the most isn't when I am worried about my pace or my distance, it's when I leave my worries at home and run because it makes me happy.
I didn't run last night because I got home late from having pizza and pie with Theresa and the kids. So this morning I decided I would run and I set out without a care in the world. I took my water and my bank card and had no distance, course or time in mind. I was going to run where I wanted, at the pace I wanted, and for as long as I wanted. It felt great.
As I was running today I was thinking about how much I have gotten into running. Some people think I have become addicted to running. Others tell my I am obsessed with running. I was wondering today if there is a difference and which one I am. I spend a lot of time running and when I am not running, I am generally reading about it. I read books, blogs and magazines about running. I am learning about nutrition, anatomy, anthropology and history. I have started putting chia seeds in my lemonade and my toes just look plain aweful.
So which is it...addiction or obsession? To me the question is the same question I have posed to myself before...am I running to something or from something? To me an addiction is usually associated with people running from something, some kind of pain or sorrow and it is usually negative. Think about it, drug addiction, alcohol addiction, and so on. They are not healthy and usually the result of a pain the person is dealing with. To me an obsession is the opposite. Keep in mind, I am no Webster dictionary so this is just my thoughts. To me an obsession is when people are searching for something, an answer to a question, a purpose to their life or something else. They become so involved in looking for the answer their life revolves around this one thing.
So, am I running from something, or towards something? The answer is both. I am both addicted to running and obsessed with running. When I run, I forget the past, I am only in the moment and that makes me feel good, like an addict. I need to run, when I get stressed what I think about is going running. When I get depressed, I think about going running. When I am out there, nothing else matters, nothing else exists. My name is Jeff, and I am a runner.
I am also running towards something. Something important in my life, I am running towards enlightenment. I am obsessed because when I run, I find answers to who I am. I am finding myself out there. What I have learned over the past year is that this person that I am is made up of three parts...mind, body and spirit. When I run, I don't run alone, usually. When one is missing the rest suffer. Running help all three parts work together and work in order...spirit, then mind, then body. When I am running I don't listen to headphones and I like it that way. I like to hear myself breath, I like to hear the birds, I like to hear nothing. In those moments, spirit, mind and body can communicate. I start to understand life, my life. Since I started running I have started to believe in myself in ways I don't think I could have ever believed without running. When I read about running, I am learning about my spirit, my mind and my body. Yes, I am obsessed with running.
So I talk about running and obviously I blog about running, but it is more than that. This obsession and this addiction is changing who I am. This blog is about my "Self-development". Running is doing that, it is changing me not just physically but also mentally and spiritually. I realize that concept may be hard for others to understand, it is hard for me to understand. But that is why I will stay obsessed, that is why I will keep running. In the end, I am running towards finding what I am looking for. I won't stop running until I find it, it's too important.
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