I run for me.

Once again it's been a long time. I could make excuses and say it's because I have been too busy or that not much has been going on. The reality is that I really didn't want people to hear what I wanted to say. Life continues its ups and downs and seems to be more down lately. I don't know why, maybe just the cycle of life. I think that is why I need this run on Sunday.This weekend I will be traveling down to Tucson and on Sunday I will run the Tucson Marathon. This will be my second ever marathon and the first in a series of three over the next twelve weeks.

A couple of weeks ago I was watching a documentary on the Kailua-Kona Ironman and was moved by the ability of the elites but more so by the stories of the non-elites. The stories of those who were overcoming great obstacles and physical limitations. Stories of those who have overcome cancer or lost a limb in combat only to continue on in life to become an Ironman. There were those who were racing to honor someone or to raise awareness for a cause dear to there heart.

I thought about my run this weekend and why I am running. On Sunday morning as I line up over 26 miles away from the finish line my goal is not to win the race. I am not running in despite of any physical limitations or to honor any person or to fight any cause or to inspire any group. It may sound selfish but as I line up, I will be running for me.

Almost a year ago I lined up to run a marathon to prove to myself that I could finish. I spent months training and preparing for it. I overcame my self doubt and allowed myself to believe in what I could accompish. So why run another, what do I have to prove again? Months ago I decided that I wanted to run not one more but three more marathons and during the past several months there have been a number of times when I wanted to give up. I wanted to trade in my shoes for a bathrobe and sit on my couch and waste away. I thought to myself that I already proved I could do it and that there was nothing left to prove.

I have to push myself forward and not let myself become satisfied with what is or with what was. I've already wasted too much time and lost too much with that mentality. I can't allow myself to sit and grow old on a couch in front of a TV. I run because it gives me purpose, it gives me hope. It silences that little voice in my head that says that I can't, or that I shouldn't or that I won't. A couple of years ago I couldn't imagine running even a half marathon. Now I am about to run my second full marathon and yet I still hear a voice telling me I can't. Not just in running but in life the little voice is there filling me with doubt. I know when I cross the finish line on Sunday I will be one step closer to quieting that voice for good and then maybe I can run for a cause.

I am running for me because I have my own demons to battle, my own limitations to overcome. I've been thinking a lot lately about what makes me happy and what I really want to do with my life. That in itself has caused a lot of issues for me but I know what I don't want to do with my life, at least not anymore. I don't want to sit on the couch and watch others live. I want to live, I want to do what I am passionate about, I want to know what I am passionate about. I want to make a difference but I know I can't help others until I get right.

I run not away from anything but towards something, towards enlightment, towards happiness, towards peace. For now at least, I run for me.