11 Miles of Thoughts

It's getting a little late and I should be thinking about going to bed, but I think I will blog instead. I am tired and a bit sore from yesterdays running. I woke up yesterday about 3:30am and went for my long run of 11 miles. I then came home, took a shower, grabbed some food and then went and ran a 5K Race for the Cure.

I didn't get a good nap in yesterday, though I did fall asleep for a bit watching a Sandra Bullock movie. You know I was tired if I feel asleep during Sandra.

All that running yesterday felt good. I was trying to figure out how I was going to manage my long run this weekend with a 5K charity event and having my boys stay over Friday night. I figured the only way was to do a "two-a-day". Yes, it was worth it.

I did a lot of thinking during my 11 mile run yesterday. I thought a lot about why it is that running a marathon is so important to me. For me it is not about telling the world "look what I can do" but it is about me telling myself "look what you can do".

A lot of times in my life I have gotten down on myself because I have felt that I wasn't what or who I was suppose to be. I had this preconceived notion of what my life was suppose to look like. What it was suppose to look like based on what I felt others wanted for me, or what I thought society told me I should be. During those times that I could not live up to that self-imposed expectations of perfection, I would come down on myself and feel that I wasn't what I should be.

I came to learn from my readings this past summer that this is what we call "ego", this belief that we are suppose to be what we, or others, believe we should be based on the world around us. I am working to learn to let go of ego, learning to not believe I should conform to some standard that others set for me.

I run because I can run. I run because it feels good to me and I now believe that it is OK for me to do the things that I want to do and not focus on the things that I believe I "need" to do. That's not to say that I can be irresponsible and just party all the time. It means that if I want to run a marathon, it doesn't matter what others say, I should do it. Others might think I am crazy, or that I am wasting my time and that I should focus on "more important" things. But the fact is that when I run, I feel good. I feel free and I feel relaxed.

I enjoy my time running, either with others or alone. I know running a marathon isn't for everyone, but it is for me. I don't know what will be next, if I will run more or move on to something else. But this is where I am at right now. I started running because I wanted to get into shape physically, but it has turned into something I do to help me mentally and emotionally. The physical benefits have become side-effects to why I continue to run, I run because mentally it feels good.