Finding Happiness

I have been thinking a lot about motivation and inspiration. It seems those two topics have showed themselves a lot to me the past week or so. I have been reading a book (yes I am still reading the same book) and it has gotten me thinking about a lot of things. I mentioned in my last blog about this book and the way the author explained why some people feel compelled to run marathons. It got me thinking about why people do other things, like climb mountains.

In my book the author explained that some people do these things because they want to prove to themselves that they can do them. It's not an ego thing, it's a self-confidence thing.

I have been thinking a lot about how over the past year and half or so, how I have really taken to running. It seems that running has been my outlet through everything that has happened. I think I am beginning to understand a little better why it makes me feel so good.

I think all of us experience what I have learned is called the "ego world". This is the world many of us live in, the world where we feel the expectations of others upon us. The world where we feel that we have to act the way others want us to act, or do the things others want us to do. They may not really want us to act this way or that way, or to do this or that, but in our ego minds we feel that they do. I have spent most of my life in this world and it's not an easy world to live in because I never felt that I was living the way others wanted me to, or doing what others wanted me to do. So I felt defeated most of my life. That's not to say anyone is to blame, it was just my perception of what was expected of me in this life.

I am learning to let go of this ego world, to live in another world, to live my "higher self". I know this may sound strange and maybe I am not explaining clearly but let me try. In living this higher self, I am learning to let go of the expectations of others. I am learning to live for myself, and not for others. I am learning to put my wants and needs ahead of the expecations of others. That's not to say that I am becoming selfish, but it is to say that I am learning that who I am is good enough for me and that is all that should matter.

So when I run there is no expectations of others. It is me, running free. I don't have to win a race, or beat a time. I decide for myself what is good and what isn't. I decide how far I want to go and if my pace was good or bad. I am not competing against anyone, not even myself. I am letting my higher self decide if my run was good or if I could improve. I am not running to impress anyone, I am running because it makes me feel good.

I want to be happy in life, that's all I ever wanted. The problem was that I always thought I had to fit a specific mold to "earn" that happiness. What I am finding out is, happiness isn't given to us from others, it is not earned, but it is found within ourselves. Sure, I am not always happy but I found that when I have had a rough day, there is something about running that makes me feel better. What I think is, that when I run, I run alone. I don't take ego with me, I run in another world so to speak.

I am not sure if this blog will make any sense to anyone else. I hope it does, I hope others can understand what I am beginning to understand. I am beginning to find happiness. I am not completely happy all the time but then if I was I suppose the "Jeff's self-development project" would be complete and I would have nothing else to blog about.