I have been thinking all week of what I wanted to write in regards to the event that took place last Sunday. I've been reflecting all week on what running that marathon meant to me and how training for, and running it, has changed me. I once read a quote that basically said once you cross a marathon finish line your life is changed forever because you have gained something. For me it was more than just running and it is hard to explain that in words. I decided that for now I will give you a brief overview of my experience and in future posts I will relate the many lessons learned and insights gained from the experience. The race was as much mental as it was physical and if I can be quite honest it was also quite emotional.
The few days leading up to the marathon I was feeling both anxious and nervous. With all the hard work and training I had done I was fairly confident that I would be able to get across the finish line, but there was still some doubt. On race morning I parked near the finish line and as instructed I boarded the light rail train to downtown where the race would start. It was early (pre-6am) and the train was filled with other runners. Once at the starting area I had time to sit, think and wait. Finally it was time to get in our corrals and I was getting excited. The start was delayed for a half an hour due to some issues with the light rail getting out of our way and as we waited I began to feel a little nervous. What was I thinking, I was about to run 26.2 miles?
Soon we were off and running, the first mile I was way ahead of my goal pace and so I tried to slow a bit down. I settled into a nice pace but it was still faster than my goal, it was the pace I had averaged when running my 20 mile long runs. I thought that with the excitement from the race and the will to finish that I could keep that pace up the entire time. It would turn out I was wrong. The first few miles felt good although the scenery wasn't very nice. But soon we turned the corner and we headed east towards Camelback mountain and I was still feeling good.
As I ran I was trying to take it all in, the bands playing along the course, the people cheering (there were some great signs), the scenery and the other runners. I was feeling good and enjoying myself. Before I knew it I was at the half-way point and when I saw the sign indicating we were at 13.1 miles, I got a little chill. I had run a half-marathon before but as I passed that sign it really hit me, that I was about to go further than I ever had before. I couldn't help but think of my run in San Francisco and how I thought 13.1 was impossible. I had proven to myself that 13.1 was possible and now I was about to prove that I could go twice as far. I reached that point in 20 minutes less time that I had when I ran in SF as well and I was still feeling pretty good as least for a little longer.
I have read a lot about how long distance runners will hit "the wall", the point where mentally and physically they feel that they can't go on. In my long runs there was only one time on a 20 miler where I felt I hit the wall around mile 16 but I managed to push on. I was hoping that I wouldn't feel that way at all as I ran the marathon but if I did I was hoping it wouldn't happen until at least mile 22. It happened around mile 19. Suddenly my accelerated pace caught up to me and I began to slow and worse, I began to question what it was I was doing. I tried to push on and tell myself I could do it but my mind and body disagreed. About mile 20 there was an aid station, I walked through it and drank some water. I had heard of many marathoners who walk through the aid stations and keep running in between. I thought I would do the same for the next couple of aid stations that were left.
Shortly after I started to resume to run, my body pleaded for me to stop. It was all I could do to push on. When I signed up for the race I was required to give an estimated finish time (so they know where to line everyone up at the start) and my original goal was 4:30:00 but with my training going so well I thought I could do it in 4:15:00. Until mile 20 I was on pace to run it in 4:08. After mile 20 I realized that I wasn't going to reach my goal of 4:15 and I struggled with that. I had to remind myself that I had developed three goals (two to fall back on) the first was 4:15, the second 4:30 and if all else fails the third was to finish. I had 10K left to go and I was questioning if I could do it or not. I started to jog and walk my way to the finish line.
I read a blog someone had posted after he had run his first marathon and he described how he was concerned by the fact that his longest run was 20 miles and the marathon was 26.2. So what he did was he dedicated each of the last 6 miles to a person that meant something in his life. I didn't plan anything similar to this out but almost wished I had. The last few miles I began to think about the special people in my life. The people who pushed me and supported me. The people who believed in me even when I didn't believe in myself. I hoped that when I finished I would be a better person for each of those people, that I would be in a better place to give back to each of them.
Soon I arrived at the mile marker for mile 25. I decided that I was going to run the last 1.2 miles without stopping and I was going to run it for me. I know, it sounds selfish but I needed it. As I started to run again I thought about how much I had gained from running and how much it has meant to me. It has been my therapy through some pretty rough times. Through running I have begun to find myself and I have connected a great deal with my higher self (or spiritual self). My legs felt heavy and my thighs felt like they were on fire as I slowly ran down the road. I was crossing over the Mill Ave Bridge just about a half a mile or so from the finish line and I had the urge to stop. I knew I would finish and I knew I would be close to my goal of 4:30 but I wanted to stop when something happened.
When I run I don't listen to music, I don't mind if others do I just prefer not to. The reason is because for me running clears my mind and allows me to think, sort of meditation I guess. Not to sound too crazy but I believe there are three parts to the person that I am, my physical body, my mind, and my spirit (or higher self). When I run, all three parts are in line. It is hard to explain really and maybe you think I am crazy but I am OK with that. When I run I feel connected to all three and I love it. As I was running toward the end of the marathon my body was pleading to stop, my mind was questioning what I should do and it was only my higher self encouraging me to move on. I felt like I was falling apart, then I had the following experience.
I remembered a video I had watched recently about Derek Redmond who was favored to win the 400 meter in the 92 Olympics when almost half way through he tore his hamstring and couldn't run. Not willing to give up he began to hobble toward the finish line when his dad came rushing out of the stands to his side. As his dad helped him around the track he told his son "You don't have to do this" to which Derek responded "Yes, I do". His dad then said "Then we will do this together" and together they rounded the track until just before the finish line his dad let him go and Derek crossed the finish line. As I was running across that bridge just within sight of the finish line, and wanted to give up but not willing to, a voice came into my mind and said "Jeff, you don't have to do this". I knew I could walk the rest of the way, I knew I could make it but I knew I needed to run and so in my mind I replied "Yes, I do". To which my spirit replied "then we will do this together". I felt something that is hard to explain but the closest I can come is to say that I felt comforted and I didn't stop running again until after I crossed the finish line.
As I crossed that finish line I filled with emotions, I really can't describe it. I was physically and mentally exhausted but I felt so great. I didn't run a marathon so that I could brag to the world about my accomplishment or say that I am better than anyone else because of what I had done. I ran a marathon so I could convince myself that I was stronger in every way then I ever thought I was. I ran a marathon so I would know what I could accomplish if I worked hard and pushed through. All week I have thought of the lessons learned from this experience and I am amazed. My life has changed it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I remembered the first time I climbed Pike's Peak while living in Colorado. I had the same feelings of wanting to give up and thinking I wouldn't make it but I did, barely. And because of that one experience I went on to hike it several more times and 16 other 14,000ft mountains just like it. I will keep running and I hope to run many more marathons.
After the finish line I got my medal, some food and drinks and made it to the finish line festival in time to catch the B-52s who were still playing. The day after I treated myself to a professional massage, also a first for me but not a last. On Tuesday most of the pain had gone away although I was still having trouble going up and down stairs. I managed a two mile "recovery" run Tuesday and now I feel better than ever.
I love what John Bingham said "The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start". I found something in running and now I found something in running a marathon. I found myself and I found that I can do amazing things. I ran the last mile for me, I ran the whole thing for me and I will never be the same because of it.
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